Teh Ultimate Mary Sue Parody!
by Stormtracer
Summary: Here's a thought: What if LotR characters could occasionally resist Mary Sues? After reading several badfics, I wondered what the results would be. So I wrote this.
1. What is this New Devilry?

**Main Author's Note:** Umm…yeah. I changed a few things a bit before posting this up, as PPCers may see. For those of you who are completely new to this fic (such as those who don't frequent the PPC board), I feel I should warn you about some key points of the story before you start it.

First off, this contains an OC. No romance between a canon character and an OC at all, I promise. What little romance (if you can call it romance -snickers at self-) featured in here will require squinting to see. Second of all, this girl is not perfect; she's an honest attempt at an interesting character. She will not always be so cocky and self-assured as she appears for the first chapters. Sickness, self-doubt, mistrust and human nature are only a few of her foes; not mentioning the horrible Mary-Sue she is forced to confront.

What I'm trying to say is if you don't like 'girl-falls-into-ME' fics, even a parody of one, then don't read this. Constructive criticism is welcomed with open arms, however, goodness knows I can use it :)

_31/03/06: Umm...yeah. Fiddled with some stuff, put the reviewer responses at the bottom of the page, changed some phrasing/spelling errors...:)_

**Summary: **Here's a thought: What if LotR characters could occasionally resist Mary-Sues? After reading several badfics, I wondered what the results would be. So I wrote this.

Original characters (such as Phoenix ), the plot, and all related **original** subjects © Me (Don't take them without permission!)

_Lord of the Rings _and all related **non-original** (as in, not made by myself) subjects © J. R. R. Tolkien, Peter Jackson and whoever else owns it.

Places mentioned in this story are fictional locations. They never did and probably never will exist. Any relation to people dead/alive is purely by mistake (unless of course intended by the owner(s) of _Lord of the Rings_)

**Author's Note: **Its official: I'm insane, but still sane enough to know it. The italics are the story written by the Mary-Sue Author, and the plain font is what is actually happening. Bye the way, I'm not very certain on the dates in LotR so please correct me if I'm wrong.

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story.**

**You didn't actually believe that, did you? XD

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**

_**Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue! (Parody)**_

_**Or TUMS(P)**_

**Chapter One: What is this new devilry?**

_**Itt waz an awwesom day, and for a Half elf/half evil lord(ess) named Phoenix Redleaf, it was even awesomer than...awesom!**_

Legolas looked up, suddenly alert.

"It's coming..."

_**Pheonix Redleaf was the daughtter of Sauron and Galladriel, and a 17-year-old skilled warrioress who could fire a bow and use a sword and wuz awesom and stuff.**_

The fellowship was only two days past Rivendell, and already Legolas was jumpy and irritable. They had decided to take a short break, and then try to get at least three more miles behind them before nightfall.

Aragorn raised an eyebrow at the elf. "What ails you?"

"She is... **it** is coming." He replied, sounding almost fearful.

"'It'?" inquired Frodo.

"I feared as much." Gandalf sighed. "It has followed us from Rivendell."

There was a collective gasp.

"You...you don't mean...Her?" Sam fidgeted, his eyes darting from side to side nervously.

"I can't be. It would have taken it days to get out of that wine cellar." Merry argued desperately.

"It seems like we can never get rid of them." Pippin said softly.

"Yes. I am afraid so- we are being followed by a Mary-Sue."

_**Phoenix: Ive gotta find teh ring and legolas, daddy will be pleased that I got him his precious and legolas is hot I lurv him.**_

"She draws nearer...and she is heavily armoured." Legolas looked absolutely terrified.

"What is this, an elf cowering before a mere maiden? Surely you must jest." Gimli said disbelievingly, having not seen a Mary-Sue beforehand.

"This is no 'mere maiden', but a monster that clothes itself in the form of a beautiful woman. All men who lay eyes on her fall instantly under her treacherous spell." Boromir said softly, and then looked Gimli straight in the eye.

"Nay, this is a beast. One whose foul magic we cannot defeat."

_**She was really really bueatiful with redscarletcrimson hair and piercing emerald eyes and wor black leather with chains and stuff without being goth. she had a sword with an ebony handle adn a black male German Shephard/wolf named Shadow with green markings-and-long-jackal-like-ears-OMG!1!**_

They prepared for battle. Swords were drawn, bows were strung and axes were held in a Suitably Threatening Manner. The capitals are supposed reinforce this statement.

"Be on your guard. Do not let her come within ten paces of you, or we will surely be lost." Aragorn advised. Everyone tensed, expecting the worst. But not even their worst nightmares could prepare them for what was to come. Honestly, not much in the universe itself could prepare them- except maybe a few choice actors/politicians.

_**And thne she startedd 2 sing.**_

_**Oh heart,**_

_**You never failed me,**_

_**Oh soul,**_

_**you never ailed me...**_

Legolas dropped his bow.

"Lad, what are you doing!" Gimli whispered urgently. Slowly, the elf turned to face him...To reveal glowing red eyes.

_**Phoenix came in2 teh clearing and said hello my name is Phoenix Redleaf, howeth do you doeth.**_

And then all was lost...

---

Hi. What did you think, good? Bad? Review and let me know:)


	2. Of Marysueth Resisting Canons

**Author's Note: **Yeah...I felt Legolas should be given a fighting chance:) Spelling errors are courtesy of my sucky spell-check, story plotline and non-existent beta reader.

_31/03/06: Same as before, only I put the reviewer responses at the bottom of the page._

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story.**

**And pigs can fly:)**

* * *

_**Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue! (Parody)**_

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Two: Of Mary-sueth Resisting Canons and (Badeth Olde English...eth)**

_**She wok up teh next daye 2 brite sunshine and everthing was purdy and it wuz morning. She loked a roundand saw Frood.**_

"_**Howeth do you faireth Phoenix?"**_

"_**I faireth oketh." She replied. He gazed at her hare, captivated by its autumnsummer readness.**_

The first he noticed were the voices. Blearily, he opened his eyes.

"_**Haveth you seeneth Legolas?"**_

_**No, milady. I haveth not seenth him yeteth."**_

Legolas groaned. He felt like every bone in his body had been broken, and it wasn't pleasant. The elf was also extremely tired, and thirsty. He could really go for a Pepsi.

Legolas blinked. Where had that come from?

_**Phoenix waz worrieed. She hadnt seen the elf sincer las nigte and waz beginn9ing 2 wory.**_

Then it all came back to him.

_**Phoenix decsded 2 lok 4 him/ l8ter. In hte meantim, shhe did stuff.**_

The poor elf started hyperventilating. His friends...a Mary-sue...Oh Valar.

Stumbling (do elves stumble? I think not), he managed to stand up. He leaned heavily against a nearby tree, and surveyed his surroundings with a certain amount of panic. Legolas was surprised to see that he was in a clearing and not some 'Sue camping tent.

Almost as an afterthought, he looked down at his clothes. They were bloody and torn, and it looked like he'd been to Mordor and back. It must have been something short of a miracle he'd grabbed his weapons.

But he had defeated it- Overcome the strange madness that now plagued his friends.

He had resisted a Mary-Sue. How exactly, he could not remember. But he had.

He just stood there for a moment, basking in his newfound freedom. Legolas didn't completely relax, but he was not as skittish as before.

_I have to save them._

But how could he? Legolas was just one elf. He was skilled at fighting, that could not be denied- but no one less than Eru himself could go against a Mary-Sue and win.

Which conveniently brought up another question: How had he somehow resisted the pull of...It? That was indeed curious.

"Perhaps it was mere luck, but...could it be more?" He mused, and then abruptly realized that talking to oneself is generally not considered a healthy, respectable activity.

_That demoness is affecting me more than I realize._

Legolas sighed, and then picked up his bow. There was only one thing he could do. Kill the monster before he lost his friends forever and Middle-earth fell to Sauron, however impossible a task it seemed.

**_...sHe lookedall around everwher an asked everonee butr couln't fine Leggy._**

He froze. She was coming this way- what was he supposed to do?

Panicked, he dove into a nearby bush. It was hard to imagine he was –or at least, had been- an esteemed elven warrior.

**_She know he was hear. Shee coul, liker, sense itt._**

He held his breath. The accursed witch was inching closer and closer... until he was almost face to face with her perfect, non-hairy-despite-not-being-shaved-in-goodness-knows-how-long legs.

She moved away, heading back to where ever she had forced the fellowship to camp.

Legolas sighed with relief. Either he was extremely lucky or The Powers That Be were playing with him. Probably a bit of both.

_How did she not find me? I thought creatures of her sort could hear even the beating of a heart._

This was very strange. Suddenly, it seemed like defeating 'Phoenix rEdleaf' would not be as impossible as it first seemed. Before, he'd given up fighting the horrors known as Mary-Sues, and simply...what had he done before again?

But one thing was certain. However lucky he may have been so far, Legolas could not defeat this abomination on fanfiction alone. He needed someone with experience in these matters, who had seen firsthand the horrors Mary-Sues could reap.

**_..and Pehonix gave up, desiding she wod look 4 him l8teer._..**

He stopped, for once listening to the crude but soft whispery words. Perhaps for now he should simply observe and listen, to bide his time until he knew exactly what he was facing.

He moved silently through the forest, following the path the Mary-sue had taken before. The sight that met him was the most horrifying, hair-raising, goriest- eh, you get the point.

They were listening to her tell stories with sappy, lovesick expressions by the fire. Apparently, it was now nightfall. Legolas carefully positioned himself behind another bush (yeah, a lot of those around eh?).

"**_...An we gott metal thingies callled 'cars' that takeus almst anywere quickre and mor reliable than horsies in ME.""_**

Legolas snorted. Honestly, machines faster then horses?

"**_Shadow lurved goin 4 wrides in themm, didn u boy?"_**

Who was Shadow?

_**The black male German Shephard/wolf nammed Shadow with green markings-an-long-jackal-like-ears barked. She peted him.**_

Judging by the looks on the surrounding eight men (including Gandalf and Gimli, scarily enough), they wished that they were Shadow.

If anyone noticed the rather undignified choking sounds coming from a nearby bush, they certainly didn't show it. And somewhere, a certain fanfiction writer coughed as her grape pop went down the wrong tube, hardly daring to believe she'd just written that.

"**_I come from palce were things you wouldn't not beleive arre believab;e and ppl reed a book clled 'Lorf off eth Tings'."_**

There was a soft rustling in the bushes behind him. Legolas paid it no heed, focused intensely on the Mary-Sue.

"**_Poeple rite fanfic for it an I read that alot cuz I like it. I lik readin stories w/ oCs."_**

"Boo."

---

Hmm, wonder who that was? ...Well, you'll find out soon:)

Imagine my surprise last night when I found three reviews waiting for me! You people must be crazy…here's your reward :)

**_Haldir-Freak1-_** Yes, you are the first reviewer :) Believe me, I will write more

**_Alania-_** You added to your C2? -is flattered- You have no idea how much that made my day…

**_Neo White Valkyrie-_** Neat name! Agreed, Mary-Sues are always perfect. This is pretty much my biggest fault against them :)


	3. In Which an Elf is Surprised

**Author's Note: **Yes, the OC does seem annoying, but there is more to her then just the whole It's-a-dream-so-I-can-act-however-the-heck-I-want routine. Just stay turned, you might be surprised…and she knew about the 'Sue because the OC's been watching her and listening to the story. Twelve reviews? Wow, that's way more then I expected to get for this story! Sorry if I messed up Legolas's character slightly, I try and remember he's still suffering from 'Sue influence. This chapter was written for Halloween so…yeah :)

Oh, and I decided (at the last minute) to make more then one of Ms. Cam's idea. I hope she doesn't mind...What's OFUM? Who's Miss Cam? Search for the story 'the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth' and you should find out :) The PPC is a lovely organization devoted to the eradication of Mary-Sues, although they aren't as extreme as they sound. By the way, this chapter was written around Halloween…can you tell:)

_31/03/06: Getting sick of writing these things…anyway, fiddled some more. Ta._

OFUM, Mini-Balrogs, Urple and all related subjects © Miss Camilla Sandman. She's has given me permission to use one of her ideas for this story (She's so niiice:))

R.O.U.S.: Rodent of Unusual Size- © The Princess Bride and whoever owns that (certainly not me).

The PPC © The geniuses known as Jay & Acacia, I'm just mentioning them in passing :)

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story.**

**-Mini-Balrog coughs up a hairball made of "perfect" Mary-Sue locks-

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**

_**Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue! (Parody)**_

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Three: In Which an Elf is Surprised and a Fanfic is Plagiarized (it rhymes! It rhymes! cackles)**

"Boo."

The effect was instant- instan- what's another word for quick that I can spell?

Anyway, Legolas pinned the offending...person to a nearby tree. With a dagger only an inch away from his/her throat, it was safe to say he had the upper hand. Legolas I mean, not the person-whose-name-we-do-not-currently-know.

"Hey, chill. What do you think I am, a R.O.U.S?"

Legolas let her go, more out of shock then anything else. For a 'her' it was indeed. She landed on the ground with a soft "Oof!"

And now, prepare for the description. You may scroll past, if you so desire.

Her hair was long (not really long, but long enough), and a dull brown. Her body was not outrageously proportioned and stick thin, but a rather healthy (or maybe a teensy more than healthy) weight.

I am quite sad to say she was a bit of a thunder thigh. Her clothes were as follows: a gray T-shirt with tomato sauce stains, and faded jeans that were ripped in a few places. The only thing that looked the least bit interesting about her was her dark blue eyes. Yes 'dark blue', not azureskybabynavy blue.

As you may have guessed, this was not what Legolas had expected.

"The nerve, holding a knife against my throat…it always happens to me, even in my dreams..."

The teenager rubbed her throat, wincing just a tiny bit. Her accent sounded as strange as the language she spoke, even though he somehow could understand her. But then, it was always that way in these stories...

Could she be another Mary-Sue? No, she was to human looking to be one of...them. This was all very confusing.

"Umm…I can hear you?" Apparently, he'd spoken aloud without realizing.

"Who are you? What do you want with me?" He demanded, wielding his dagger in a Suitably Threatening Manner.

She laughed. "Jeez Legolas, cool it. I'm just here to help you kill the 'Sue."

That caught his attention. "You know how to defeat the Mary-Sue?" He said incredulously.

"Yeap, I do."

He scowled. "You must be lying. None save for the Valar could defeat that beast…and I am not even sure they would be able to do it alone."

She smiled. "Believe me, if you gave me the jazz on Ms. Perfect over there," She jerked her thumb towards the clearing. "I could probably cook something up."

Legolas raised an eyebrow, not understanding about a good 50 percent of what she was saying.

"Listen." The girl sighed. "I know you are able to resist the 'Sue, and you want to help save your comrades. I also know that since the PPC is not showing up and she seems to be having strange effects on canon, this is a big problem that needs to be fixed. Eavesdropping is **fun**." She grinned.

He still didn't let down his guard. After all, he wasn't entirely sure she wasn't with the MS. "You are saying that you could possibly aid me? And why should I trust you?"

"The way I see it, you don't really have much of a choice." She replied bluntly. "The 'Sue is going to get intimate with one of the fellowship and you don't have any experience with Mary-Sues. How are you going to defeat it?"

She was right, and it irked Legolas to no end. If what she said was true, he needed her. And if he turned down her offer he might very well end up the toy of a rabid fangirl.

"Oh, and my name's Huntress. That's not my real name, but this is a dream so...yeah." The girl, Huntress, grinned toothily.

Legolas gave her a strange look, and briefly wondered if she was insane. Oh well, he **was** desperate.

"All right..." He finally said.

She grinned, and held out her hand. "Is it a deal?"

Legolas hesitated for a moment, and then followed suit. "Yes, it is."

----

_**Phooenix wuz starting to get woried. How waz she suppposed 2 fal in lov with Legggolass if she didn even fin him.**_

Huntress winced as a Mini-Balrog came into existence with an audible pop, only to be instantly subdued by Phoenix. The Mary-Sue threw it in a cage with his other brethren; Galladriel, Ssam, Frido, Arragorn and Maerri.

"What is that creature?" Legolas whispered.

"A Mini-Balrog, the creation of the genius known as Ms. Cam…they pop up whenever a name of a person, place, species, and etcetera in fanfiction is misspelt."

"Fan...fic-tion?"

"It's a long story, one you wouldn't believe."

_**I descided 2 giv Phoenix a few more pets since I lik animmmals.**_

A tiger, fox and raven popped into existence.

_**The tiger's Fang, teh fox is Crimson and the ravven is Grimfeather.**_

Huntress snorted. "Great, more Cute Animal Friends..." Legolas looked at her questioningly, but decided it was best to leave it.

_**I alsoo give her one of thos horses the blackk riders were riding only it has greene eyes. And I'm giving her the dragon/bat thingie the black ridres flew on in the second and third movie. She'lll fin them later on in the stori**_

_**(Oh an BTW i red this story called OFUM and I thout it was stupid...**_

"Moron." Huntress murmured. "Anyone who hates OFUM is on my 'To die' list."

_**...but they hda thes thins callled 'Mini-Basrlog'...**_

Pop, Scuffle, Yelp, Clang.

_**...an i thoughht theye sonded prutty cool so i desided 2 make 1 4 Phoniex. Enjjoy!)**_

Legolas looked over at Huntress to see her reaction to this news. He was shocked to see her glaring holes in the Mary-Sue. If looks could kill, 'Phony' would not only be dead with her corpse aflame, her soul (if she had one) would be doomed to eternal damnation.

"**SHE. RIPPED. OFF. OFUM.**" Huntress was practically foaming at the mouth.

_**...Hes lik a Mini-Balrog onli the fire part is gren instid of red. I call hm 'Erth' because I spelt Middle-earth 'Middle-erth' accidentalllly earlier:)**_

The sun grew dark. Blackness descended upon the land, and Huntress felt almost afraid as the temperate dropped dramatically.

Legolas's breath caught as he literally felt the positive emotions drain from the air. The wind picked up, and surged against the trees like a tidal wave of air.

Shadows danced around the clearing before swirling together to form a glowing green plume of smoke. Even the Mary-Sue looked fearful as all of the darkness of the wood was swallowed up. In other words, it was pretty darned impressive.

Two greenish-white eyes sliced through the haze, piercing into the very soul of everyone present. A low, throaty growl rumbled.

"Oh my God," Huntress croaked. "What has she done?"

Slowly, the Mini-Balrog emerged from the smoke...

---

Well, review and tell me what you thought :) Flames will be used to torch 'Sue in next chapter. -hint-

**_sapphirerosha110-_ **Yes, I am deliberately spelling things wrong for the sake of the fic. Proofread? What is this 'proofread' you speak of? (Yes, I am joking :))

**_Myystikal-_** Glad you like it! I do my best :) Yeah, they do always seem to have a pet of some sort, don't they? These are normally referred to as 'CAF's (or Cute Animal Friends) from what I've heard.

**_glwbender90-_** Yeap, they're everywhere! And don't worry, this 'Sue will get her just desserts (that is how you spell it…right:)).

**_nscangal-_ **Thank you:) Chapter six should be up at the board sometime soon I hope…you added me to your favourites list:D

**_Kitabma-_ **Thank you, and I will! ;)

**_Almenel-_ **Thank you:)

**_Haldir-Freak1-_** Hey you reviewed again! Yeap, it seems like the number one rule for 'Sue 'Olde English' is to add an '-eth' to the end of every second word :)

**MiniFruitbat-** I can definitely tell you that more Mary-Sues will pop up, But I don't know about friends…does she have any lol?


	4. The Shadow is Tamed, for now

**Author's Note: **We get to see a bit more on the 'not-friendship' thing Huntress and Legolas have going on. Make no mistake, this isn't a Legomance (that would just be sick, considering), I'm just curious as to how a friendship between Legolas and Huntress would work. I just find Legolas such an interesting character. Not for the reasons you might think (I'm not a Legolas Luster), but because there is more there then a lot of fanfic writers give him credit for. Yes, he's good with a bow, he's attractive, he's nice- but what else?

By the way, this fic is centered on Legolas. Not Huntress, not Pippin, Legolas. I'm just devoting a bit of time to Huntress for awhile, to try and flesh her out into a desirable character :) She is not really similar to me, I made her completely different from her creator pretty much- The only thing we've really got in common are blue eyes '

I'm rather pleased with how this fic is going- it started as a fun way to spend my time, and turned into something slightly more serious. Considering most stories of mine don't last past the third chapter, that's a miracle. Don't ask me how, but I suddenly have a lot of grand plans for this fic. Don't know if I'll be able to post much after this chapter for a while though- schoolwork is demanding my attention. I'll try my best though :)

**_Almenel- _**You hit the head on the nail :)

**_viggomaniac- _**Why do so many people like Phoenix? XD Thanks, I try to make it as realistic as possible- well, sort of :)

**_Uruviel Helyanwe-_** I'm so happy you like it :) OC stands for 'Original Character', which is a character made up by the fanfiction author.

**_glwbender90-_** Hi again! I think I've skipped you, even though you reviewed twice…sorry! No, Huntress isn't me :) She's actually pretty far from being me lol.

**_xcom1a-_** Hi! Yeap, all the loose ends and foreshadowing will pay off in the end :)

Lord of the Rings and all related non-original (as in, not made by myself) subjects © J. R. R. Tolkien, Peter Jackson and whoever else owns it.

OFUM, Mini-Balrogs, Urple and all related subjects © Miss Camilla Sandman. She's has given me permission to use one of her ideas for this story (She's so niiice:)).

The PPC © the geniuses known as Jay & Acacia, I'm just mentioning them in passing:)

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story.**

**They were just maimed, shot at, tortured, mauled, sliced to pieces, set on fire, etc.**

_**Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue! (Parody)**_

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Four: The Shadow is Tamed, for now...**

"Oh my God…what has she done?" Huntress croaked.

Legolas did not reply, currently at a loss for words.

The Mini-Balrog was -to put it simply- the scariest thing under four feet. It was wreathed in emerald flames, and had creepy glowing green eyes that seemed to pierce through bone and flesh. It opened its maw, and out of it came the most terrifying sound Huntress had ever heard.

Everyone covered their ears and grimaced in pain. Only the Mary-Sue wasn't paralysed with fear.

"That's a very bad thing to do, frightening my friends like that." She squeaked. "I demand-"

The Mini-Balrog drew a deep breath. The flames grew higher and higher, and the mini seemed to expand from three feet to twenty. He roared again, and the entire land shook with the force of it.

Her eyes were wide. "Meep…"

The not-so-Mini-Balrog seemed to gather himself, and then released a searing breathe of green flame that engulfed what little vegetation to be found, and left the clearing scorched and barren. Everyone jumped back away from the flames.

But the 'Sue would not be upstaged. "Now see here (insert shaking of index finger at him), you're being a very bad b-"

The mini quite calmly unleashed his fire-breath again, leaving a scorched 'Sue flambé.

Legolas and Huntress cheered silently.

But alas, as anyone who has read a 'Sue before will know, no force on Middle-earth can destroy her. Within ten minutes flat, she had healed and her clothes/weapons/junk had repaired itself.

Legolas and Huntress hissed quietly.

"Bad Balrog, Bad! You need to learn some manners!"

The not-so-Mini-Balrog snorted. Then a strange expression came over his hellish face, the sort of dopey expression one might expect from...

Huntress moaned. "Oh no, she's turning him into a CAF."

"CAF?" Legolas asked.

"CAF, Cute Animal Friend." She replied.

Indeed, a few moments and red-glowing eyes later, the not-so-Mini-Balrog shrank to his original size and was affectionately rubbing the 'Sue's legs. It was sickening, to see such a noble force of fanfiction reduced to licking the boots of a Mary-Sue. Huntress resisted the impulse to puke.

And that, for the moment, was that.

---

"I can't believe the PPC aren't here. I've got her down for a thousand things already, and we aren't even past the first chapter. Bad grammar, creating more CAFs then you can shake an orc at, bad spelling, butchering characterization, plagiarism, writing a Mary-Sue, creating goodness knows how many Mini-Balrogs…" She ranted.

"The PPC?" Legolas watched her curiously. She was different from most of the women he had met, though he could not understand exactly how. Maybe it was the insane manner she acted in.

"Yeah, PPC: Protectors of the Plot Continuum. They go after badfic, usually Mary-Sues like this one. I'm surprised they haven't exterminated her by now, this is obviously..."

"PPC..." He murmured. Come to think of it, that did sound familiar.

"...the list goes on and on." She sighed.

"And that's not all. Some of the effects she's having on canon characters -and canon in general- are very strange. This is weird...even if it is a dream..."

Legolas gave her a strange look, but decided to let sleeping dogs lie. From what he had gathered from his two or so hours of partnership, he could tell the girl was not only a rabid fan of 'LotR', but also was having trouble separating reality from imagination.

_It is not your problem. You should not interfere._ Legolas sighed. Back when things were simpler, before the creation of fanfic, he would have tried to help the poor girl.

But that Legolas had disappeared. He knew what girls like her were capable of- torture, deceit and things he dare not speak of. His breath caught, and he had to quickly force down the memories before they brought him down with them.

"Legolas, I have a question...how is it I understand you, if you don't know English?"

Legolas sighed. "I suspect it is the...author. She warps Middle-earth to fulfil her purposes, and in doing so creates many changes to customs, culture, people and places." Huntress nodded, accepting this explanation without question. Because…well, it made sense.

"I guess that explains why you look different."

"I...look different?" He frowned. This was (obviously) news to him.

"Yeah, you look like Orlando Bloom. You don't normally look like that...right?"

He shook his head. "It would not surprise me. Many of the stories I end up in change my appearance."

They both mulled this over for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts.

"How are we to rescue my friends?" He asked quietly, not looking her in the eyes.

She blinked. "Umm, I haven't quite figured that out yet. From what I can tell, this 'Sue isn't as killable as they usually are."

"Killable?" A ghost of a smile flickered across his face.

"Yes, Killable." She gave him the 'are-you-insane?' look.

"But she has a weakness; we just need to find out what it is." He replied softly. The human girl nodded.

There was an uncomfortable pause.

"You don't trust me, do you?" Huntress said sadly.

"No." He replied bluntly.

She nodded. "I thought so."

This was all very strange. She was in a cool dream, she was going to kill a bad Mary-Sue, and she was speaking to Legolas the elf...why didn't she feel happy? Why did this all seem...well, more real than her usual two-second dream?

Their thoughts were interrupted by a rustling sound from the nearby bushes. Legolas jumped to his feet and strung his bow, while Huntress struck a heroic pose because...well, there wasn't much else she could do.

"Who is there? Reveal yourself!" Legolas called.

"It couldn't be the 'Sue, could it!" Huntress said, sounding slightly hysterical. Hey, I never said she was particularly brave.

There was a muffled "Oof!" and then Pippin came tumbling out of the bushes with a Mini-Balrog at his heels.

To say Legolas looked shocked would be an understatement.

"Pippin?"

"Legolas?" The hobbit managed to untangle himself from the mini.

"How did you escape the overly perfect hands of that...evil?"

"This small Balrog here helped me." Pippin gestured towards the mini. "Did you know his name is Legggolass?"

Legolas blinked. "How...do you know that?"

"The words." replied Pippin simply.

"Umm...I'll leave you guys to catch up on old times." She interrupted quickly, and then stumbled away through the underbrush to think. There was a cry of pain as she stubbed her toe.

Pippin looked at her curiously. "Who is she?"

Legolas shrugged, a decidedly uncanonical reaction for the elf. "I do not know. She will not tell me her real name, and calls herself Huntress. But she seems to have great knowledge of these 'Mary-Sues', and has promised me she will help destroy...Her."

They both watched her retreating form.

"Curious..."

---

It was starting to get dark. Orange shafts of sunlight spread across the land, as the sun slowly sank beneath the horizon. It was rather beautiful to watch, but for one teenage girl the scenery was the last thing on her mind.

Finding a log to sit down on, she drank in the peacefulness of the surrounding wood. It felt strange; Huntress had lived by a highway her whole life and complete silence felt almost overwhelming.

Which reminded her why she was here in the first place.

"C'mon Huntress old girl, get creative. You could set her on fire, chop her to pieces, 'accidentally' push her underneath the foot of an Oliphant, Spray her with acid...there are thousands of way you can kill her."

But she couldn't think of anything the 'Sue couldn't outwit. She'd been roasted by a Balrog, almost drowned in Random River #25, fallen off a cliff and many other things, but she still came back to life. (except for the first, most of the 'accidents' in question had been caused by Huntress herself)

The 'Sue was darn near unbeatable. And Huntress was running out of ideas.

---

Well…looks like thing are starting to pick up :). I checked my hit count (308) and then I checked my review count (18), which made me very sad. This because even though I've heard more people read then review, the fact there was such a drastic difference between it made me sad. This probably means not as many people liked my story…-sighs-


	5. Canonical Catfight Pt 1

**Author's Note:** This is the biggie. The (second) chapter you've all been waiting for, the one they actually do something. I've tried my best to write this properly. After this chapter, we'll probably see more in terms of Huntress's persona and she won't be as Sueish. Her behaviour is influenced by her belief that this all just a dream, remember :)

Oh, and yes I know you can not just pull out arrows willy-nilly. I'm using the excuse that the Suethor doesn't know anything about archery, and didn't specify what the design of the arrow looked like. This meant that Canon designed them as being similar to orc arrows (it does have a sense of humour XD), only without barbs/hooks/anything to keep the arrow in properly. I took a bit of archery to (my sister took more), so I know some stuff about it.

Sorry I took so darn long to write this chapter- the amount of emotion in this was hard to write without sounding really, really bad. I can't make any promises for future chapters- they might take a bit longer. Yeap, Pippin is very brave this chapter. I was originally going to make his fight scene longer, but I thought this version was funnier :) I'll try to give him more to do in the future…and I know this fight scene isn't very good :) Legolas will get more attention- but not right now. I'll try not to be appallingly dramatic in this part of the story, but I'm afraid some habits don't die easily.

Oh, and the CAFs and Minis are up for adoption (the Minis are only available for PPCers though, I'm afraid). Except for Legggolass (who owns my sister), Middle-erth (or Erth), Glowin, Pippinm and another CAF that has yet to make an appearance :). Just request one, and I'll give it to you, but don't mangle 'em as badly as Phoenix did!

**_Haldir-Freak1- _**Yes, it is dreadfully serious isn't it- don't worry, I've got a special Christmas chapter planned that should have you on the edge of your seat- and laughing, of course XD

**_xcom1a-_** Umm, sure let's go with that –shifty eyes- lol, yes, there are quite a few things that need to be explained: How Legolas resisted the 'Sue, how Huntress rather conveniently ended up there, and why Phoenix is so powerful. All shall be revealed (soon)!

**_Almenel- _**I don't think Legolas would like that very much…-an indignant 'of course I would not!' is heard in the background- Besides, Phoenix would just tackle him XD

**_glwbender90-_** Be thankful you didn't know what it was before you read this :) I know it's short, but I can't really seem to cram much else into 'em. Believe me, if you think you've seen the worst side of Phoenix- just wait :) Not even this chapter shows how horrible she really is.

**_Uruviel Helyanwe-_** Really? I glad you like it, considering it's my first LotR fic ever. I put quite a bit of research into it, so hearing that makes my day :) Review your PoTC story? W-ell, it depends…I tend not to pull any punches in my reviews, so are you still okay with that? And if my younger sister lets me, of course :)

**_Kitabma-_** Hello! You know, you're the first person to think Huntress is cool :) Personally, I never expected her to grow this much- she really wasn't supposed to be this important lol!

OFUM, Mini-Balrogs, Urple and all related subjects © Miss Camilla Sandman. She's has given me permission to use one of her ideas for this story (She's so niiice:)).

The PPC © the geniuses known as Jay & Acacia, I'm just mentioning them in passing:)

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story.**

**And if you believed that, you obviously haven't read the chapter title yet:)**

_**Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue! (Parody)**_

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Five: Canonical Catfight Pt. 1- The Arrow of Truth**

"Look at her, wallowing in her sickly-sweet perfection." Huntress growled. The Mary-Sue was currently baking an enormous 'Lucnheon' for the Fellowship.

Huntress and company were still hiding behind Random Bushes and surveying the scene with a mixture of disgust and horror.

Legolas and Pippin didn't reply, having similar thoughts themselves.

_Then, a lone, Frodo came up 2 her._

"_Whyy dont you let me haev the Ring Frodo."_

"_I willl later." He saiiiiid_

This shocked them all, and not just because it was extremely random.

"Frodo would never give something like that to someone he had only known for a day!" Pippin looked absolutely furious.

Legolas nodded. "I agree. Her influence on him must be very strong."

Legggolass grunted.

Huntress turned away from the puke-worthy scene, unable to bear it much longer.

"We need to make a move- quick." She hissed. "If that 'Sue gets the One Ring...I don't know what will happen. I don't WANT to know what will happen."

Legolas hid his surprise. Of course, she was a strange maiden; she would know all about the quest to destroy Sauron. Didn't they always?

Pippin however, wasn't apt to hide his feelings on the matter." How could you possibly know about the One?" He asked, sounding astonished.

She blinked. "I just...do. But anyways, I think we should attack now, when she won't expect it. It has been sunset for an unusual length of time, but who knows how long that will last. And I don't want her sneaking up on me in the middle of the night."

Legolas nodded. She did have a point, having to keep watch with that creature nearby was not a thought he relished.

"Okay, here's what we do." She shifted into a much comfortable cross-legged position.

"Pippin, you have to free the Mini-Balrogs. They could be very helpful." Pippin nodded. "Legolas, you and I have to go after the 'Sue and-"

"Do you have any weapons?" The elf interrupted. He hadn't noticed her carrying a bow, or even a knife.

"What?" She blinked. "Umm...no, I don't. But I probably won't need it."

Legolas didn't show how much this alarmed him. Without a weapon, she would be quite a burden. But then, she did say she could handle it...did she have some unspoken power he did not know?

"Here." He said firmly, then handed her one of his knives. Huntress shook her head and tried to give it back to him, but he wouldn't take it.

"If you can't defend yourself, I will have to fight for you as much as myself." He argued.

She grinned toothily. "No worries. This is just a dream, I won't get hurt."

Legolas had the unpleasant feeling she would get a rude awakening from her fantasy world.

"This is not a dream. You do know you could die facing this 'Sue'?"

"Sure." She said absently. He wasn't completely satisfied, but he would have to be for now.

"What is THAT?" Pippin, who had been silent for the last few minutes, suddenly noticed something out of the corner of his eye.

It was a black wolf. Or at least, it had been. It had green arrow-like markings that seemed to enhance the glowing green eyes they encircled. Long black ears were focused on them, and twitched at the slightest sound. It would send any small woodland creature running.

Instantly, Pippin and Legolas were ready for any potential battles, while Huntress...stood there.

"I mean you no harm." The wolf said simply.

Pippin's eyes widened. "It talks?"

"I guess so...unless we're hearing things." Huntress replied doubtfully.

"No. I heard the beast speak also." Legolas kept his eyes trained on the wolf.

The wolf continued on heedlessly. "I have a proposition for you."

Huntress's eyes widened. "Oh my god, it really IS talking!"

Legolas rolled his eyes. "Yes, I think we have gathered that."

The wolf coughed politely. Everyone turned to look at him. A nearby squirrel keeled over from a heart attack.

"Yes?" they snapped. The wolf appeared slightly surprised, but quickly hid that under a diplomatic mask.

"As you all may know, I am the Cute Animal Friend of a certain 'Phoenix Redleaf'." He stated calmly. "However, my associates and I –the other CAFs owned by Phoenix- greatly disapprove of her and feel we should end her rule over this world. We would be willing to aid you, if you require any assistance."

The three were all very surprised by this, as it is not everyday a wolf comes up to you and essentially pledges allegiance to you.

"Umm…thanks?" Pippin ventured. The others nodded eagerly.

The wolf seemed to study his claws. "There are, however, some terms of agreement; my partners and I would very much like to get a nice owner, preferably ones who do not mind getting up at godforsaken times in the morning to feed us."

Huntress blinked. "Okay, fair enough."

"Then we have a deal." The wolf replied simply. Quite suddenly, several animals and three Minis emerged from the bushes. The wolf continued on, and gestured to each animal in turn (it shall be noted that the Minis curtsied or bowed properly, because we all know how nicely behaved they are).

"My name is Shadow Twillightclaw, of which I would gladly be rid of. The tiger is Fang Blood Bloodyfang, the fox is Crimson Ohmygoodnesshesquick and the raven is Grimfeather The Gothic-and-Pie-Loving. The Mini-Balrogs are as follows: Glowin, Galladriel and Pippinm."

Legolas, Pippin and Huntress blinked. A grin slowly spread across the mortal maiden's face.

"Shadow, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship."

---

"Alright, everyone know what they have to do?" Legolas, Pippin and the Mini-Balrogs nodded. Huntress was nervous. Sure, it was only one Mary-Sue, but even one was as difficult to kill as a cockroach.

"Remember, be careful." She warned. "Mary-Sues aren't as easy to kill as you might think. Stay in the shadows."

Then they parted ways. Pippin and the Minis went off to free more Mini-Balrogs, while Huntress and Legolas went off to try and defeat (coughkillcough) the 'Sue after the CAFs separated Phoenix from the fellowship. It was a decent plan, but Huntress could only pray it would work.

"My father…who art in heaven…hallowed be thy name…"

Legolas gave her a quizzical look, and she immediately stopped. Not even Huntress could explain why she felt so nervous- it wasn't the sort of panicked feeling she got when she almost went past the due-date for her homework. It sort of felt…it sort of felt like she was walking to her death, which was naturally a completely unfounded fear.

She watched the scene before her with a sort of detached ease, waiting for the signal. Only her drumming fingers gave away how anxious she really was.

---

Phoenix Redleaf was 'bueatiful', and she knew it. She was in control of the story, which she also knew. And she was perfect, which everyone knew. This has made many people (rightly) angry to the point of bloodlust, but then who cares about them?

Surveying her new ring of power, she made a noise of approval. It was obvious that once she found Legolas and the fellowship split, she would drag him along with her to Mordor so she could dispose of the pretty trinket.

It was as flawless a plan as she was.

So caught up was she in her grandeur plan, that she failed to notice the trilling of a Count Raggia's Bird of Paradise. Because we all know that CRBoPs definitely do exist in Middle-earth.

Then all h- oh, excuse me. Umm…all school broke lose?

---

Harsh breathing and the occasional snapping twig were the only sounds Pippin could hear, although he felt almost giddy with nerves.

The plan was working so far. The CAFs had provided a diversion so he could sneak away, and Legolas was readying himself for combat. Huntress was, for a change, doing nothing except murmur something about temptation and evil.

Pippin was getting closer now. Any fear he felt left him as he finally found the clearing he'd searched for.

It was a sad sight. Seven Minis, all confined in one small cage without any bacon or fangirls. It would be enough to leave Sauron teary-eyed.

But Pippin had no time to mourn lost innocence as he hurriedly tore the camp apart looking for a key. This was rather hard to do, since it appeared that the 'Sue had every convenience the authoress could write her up.

"Key…where is the key…" This was of course hoping the MS writer would be stupid enough not to put in a retina scanner and/or fingerprint identifier thingie.

And then he saw it. Hanging above the fireplace was the ornate and expensive-looking gold key. It was practically a miracle he hadn't spotted it before.

Briefly wondering if all these fanfics were taking a toll on his mental health, he hurriedly stacked up a bunch of telephone books and fashion magazines to reach the darn thing. The 'Sue obviously didn't have any dictionaries.

Snatching the key, he shoved it in the lock and fiddled with it a moment. Finally unlocking the darned thing, he stood back as the Minis…umm…came out?

Grinning in triumph, he stopped holding his breath. But, alas, The Powers That Be would not let Pippin's story end without a dramatic battle.

He heard a low growl behind him. Pippin stiffened, and then slowly turned to face his would-be attacker; the 'lorde of al Mini-Balrogs', Erth.

To put it bluntly, Erth was angry. really angry. About as angry as a PPC agent is insane…whoops, did I write that out loud?

"Oh no…"

Erth roared, preparing himself to revert to his larger-and-definitely-ten-times-scarier form. So Pippin did the only thing he could think off, most likely the only he could have done.

He grabbed a pan and solidly hit the Mini on the head.

---

Meanwhile, in the depths of …where ever they were (some thick forested area…), Huntress and Legolas had their hands full fighting off the zombified fellowship.

Or more accurately, Legolas had his hands full.

"Do you have any battle related skills?" He hissed, blocking yet another sword swipe before Huntress literally lost her head. Considering he only had one dagger on him at the moment, it was quite a feat (but then, he's an elf).

"Eh?" She looked at him blankly. It must be noted that she was playing dumb, and actually knew perfectly well what he was saying.

"You know perfectly well what I am saying!" Swipe, then block. If only he could get to more open terrain, then he could use his bow. Pinning them to the tree would be easy, hand-to-hand combat would not (without hurting them either, of course).

She sighed. "Relax, this is a dream. Nothing's going to-"

A dagger suddenly appeared inches from her face, no doubt giving the poor tree it had embedded itself in a rather severe case of lead poisoning. Insert taped audience laughter.

Huntress stared at the dagger. She suddenly came to the realization that dying, whether real or imagined, would most likely not be pleasant.

"Legolas…"

The elf didn't have time to listen to her, attempting to fight off seven (mostly) experienced fighters.

"Stop!" Immediately, and fighting ceased. The red-eyed fellowship lowered their weapons and parted to form a path for the Mary-Sue.

Legolas stared. It was the first time he'd really experienced the 'Sue close up (in memory), and needless to say he was having trouble with the side-effects. The 'Sue smiled cheerily and hoisted her bow over her shoulder, as if this was perfectly normal. "Good evening."

Huntress said something very, very rude.

"I'm pretty sure that's physically impossible." The MS replied, eyes 'sparkkling marrily'.

"Oh yeah, want a demonstration?" Huntress cracked her knuckles. The 'Sue just laughed, having long ago realized she had the upper hand.

"Not even your lust-object could harm me!"

"Legolas is not my lust-object." Huntress replied automatically.

"I never mentioned he was." Phoenix looked amused.

There was a pause.

"Well, that was basically what you implied…" Pippin mused, having popped into the clearing just moments ago. The 'Sue looked unconvinced

"Legolas is not my lust object, never has been and never will be! Is that good enough for you?" Huntress snapped.

"ENOUGH!" Phoenix practically roared, startling them. "YOU ARE COMPLETELY AT MY MERCY!" The exclamation points rained down on them like hail.

Huntress blinked. "Whoa, where did that come from?"

Apparently, this was all the 'Sue could take. In a completely (unprovoked) swipe, she shoved Legolas to the side and her spontaneously appearing blade caught Huntress's shirt. Phoenix wasted no time in shoving the weaker OC to a nearby tree. Legolas and Pippin were otherwise occupied as their comrades swept down on them with all their force.

"That's it." Phoenix growled. "I want my Leggie back, NOW. And if the only way to do that is to kill you, then so be it!"

When someone has you pinned to a tree, you generally either fight back or beg for mercy. Huntress did neither.

In fact, it is very important to note that Huntress was more focused on how much it hurt to hit the tree in the first place.

"Owie…my back…"

"Any last words, witch?" The MS held her sword against Huntress's neck. Legolas managed to catch sight of her for a moment, but was forced to parry when Aragorn tried to slice off his arm.

"Umm…yeah actually, Could you get me some aspirin?"

Phoenix hissed and put even more pressure on her neck. "I can kill you faster then an eye could blink, and I could make every one of your waking moments extremely painful."

"Nice run-on sentence," Huntress replied calmly. "Can I wake up now?"

Strangely enough, the 'Sue seemed to get an idea. Phoenix saucily smirked, and moved away from Huntress. The formally clear and bright blue sky clouded over, and rain began to fall as if on cue.

"Thank you." Huntress rubbed her neck tenderly. "You know, I could have almost sworn that hurt."

The look on Phoenix's face was gleeful. As Huntress massaged her neck the 'Sue pulled out her bow and notched an arrow. The half-elf moved into a (naturally) flawless position, and slowly pulled the string back.

Finally managing to knock Aragorn out with the blunt side of his blade, Legolas tried to get to Huntress. Boromir came out of nowhere and Legolas had to dodge quickly to avoid his sword.

Everything seemed to slow. Phoenix let fly the arrow, and it sailed through the air and rain gracefully. Pippin cried out, but Huntress was frozen to the spot. For the first time since ending up in Middle-earth, she actually felt frightened.

It struck her hard, right below the right shoulder. The pain was almost indescribable, and her fear seemed to intensify to almost mind-numbing proportions.

She screamed, and in a fit of agony wrenched it free. Huntress looked at the bloody arrow with a mixture of disgust and surprise, and threw it to the ground roughly.

For someone who had never really experienced real pain, this was something beyond her comprehension. All she knew was that she couldn't stop crying, and it hurt it hurt it hurt. Her vision began to darken at the edges, and she sank to her knees. Then she passed out.

---

I know! I know! Cliff Hangersdeath by reviewers :)


	6. Fiction, Fantasy or Folly?

**Author's Note:** Doesn't ANYONE want a Mini-Balrog or CAF? I need to get rid of 'em! So far only the fox (Crimson), Charity's griffin and Shadow have been given homes. And don't worry, the story won't be terribly serious for long- this is (mostly) just a story written with one thing in mind: fun. I have to make progress plot-wise though; otherwise it just falls apart like soggy cardboard :) (I like to delude myself into believing someone reads this)

Oh, and I'll still refer to Huntress as…well, Huntress. It fits her, and while her real name will be used occasionally I'd rather stick to her nickname. :) by the way, this is (/was) the last TUM(P) chapter to be aired at the PPC board. I shall post up future chapters at my profile. Which reminds me points check my profile itself, because I usually give hints as to when I post chapters :)

**_Uruviel Helyanwe-_** Glad you like it, it was a pain to write ! XP

**_Twilight Shadow- _**Yeap, crazy certainly describes this story :) so does randomly hilarious lol.

**_Almenel- _**Yeah, Legolas just doesn't get a break, does he? XD

**_LoneRangerElf- _**It really makes my day to hear that lots of people like my story :). Yes, I am a geek lol.

**_glwbender90-_** I _should_ really give Pippin more to do actually…

OFUM, Mini-Balrogs, Urple and all related subjects © Miss Camilla Sandman. She's has given me permission to use one of her ideas for this story (She's so niiice:)).

The PPC © the geniuses known as Jay & Acacia, I'm just mentioning them in passing :)

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story.**

**discreetly hides Mary-Sue corpses**

_**Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue! (Parody)**_

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Six: Fiction, Fantasy or Folly?**

_It's not happening…this is a dream. Just a dream…but if it is, why do I still feel like a human pincushion?_

Her thoughts drifted through her mind, gliding in and out easily. She could hear someone talking distantly, but she didn't want to wake up, not just yet. She wanted a few more minutes of careless bliss.

_Mini-Balrogs aren't real…The PPC isn't real…Lord of the Rings is just a story…this is all just a dream, and I'll wake up from it any minute now._

The voices grew closer. She groaned slightly, and turned her head away from them.

"Look! She's waking up!"

"Yes Pippin, I realized that." That voice…so familiar…

Something insistently nagged her. She couldn't remember much…but then, that was the way with all her dreams. She forgot them, left only with a lingering sense of sadness that she would never remember.

Unfortunately, she was dragged from her angsty musings when someone poured ice water on her.

"Yie!" She sat up, wide awake and shivering furiously.

"Time for dinner." Pippin said rather mischievously, swinging the dripping bucket he held back and forth. Legolas shook his head at the hobbit, but couldn't hide his smile.

Instantly, she jumped to her feet and backed up against a nearby tree. Hyperventilating furiously, her eyes quickly scanned her surroundings.

"Where am I? Why am I here? When am I? Who are you? **What** are you!" She said breathlessly. The exclamation points and question marks rained down from the sky like…well…rain.

Getting hit on the head by her own bad grammar, Huntress made herself as small as possible. A sharp twinge of pain brought her back to reality, and she winced and clutched her shoulder.

Legolas and Pippin blinked. They had expected an extreme reaction, but not **this** extreme (most of their fantasized scenarios had involved pain and disfigurement).

"Have you lost your memory?" Pippin asked.

She shook her head, then (if possible…) her eyes widened even more. And then she turned around and started to bash her head into the nearest tree.

"Pippin…perhaps you should leave…" Legolas said slowly.

The hobbit blinked. "…Why?"

Legolas didn't answer, giving him the patented I'm-an-experienced-elf-warrior-with-at-least-a-thousand-years-over-you-so-therefore-I-know-what-I'm-doing look. The elf prince vaguely remembered a few scenarios similar to this one, and could remember two important things: You needed to be able to check for the dagger before they hugged you, and it was best to let the most skilled fighter talk to her first- just in case.

Pippin didn't understand this, but decided to along with it and leave the clearing. After all, Legolas knew what he was doing…right?

"Huntress, is there something the matter?" He sounded wary, and took the pose often referred to as 'I'm-going-into-the-lair-of-a-Balrog-without-wiping-my-feet-off-on-the-welcome-mat'. Defensive actually, for those of you who can't understand my weird way of phrasing things.

"That's not my name…."

He blinked, something he found himself doing a lot lately. "Oh?"

"No…my name is Miriam…Miriam Jones."

In a whole different plain of reality, a fanfiction writer let her head fall onto her keyboard, wondering why this scene was so hard to write without sounding stupid/overly dramatic/sappy/stilted/other.

"Myrri-Am?"

"Yes, Miriam."

Legolas sighed, deciding he'd leave name pronunciations for later. "What troubles you?"

She turned around to face him, a strange look on her face. "This is just a dream, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's all just my imagination….and you're just something brought on by to much badfic…" She said quietly. Then she laughed sadly. "I mean, if I was actually here, that wouldn't make any sense…although it would be really ironic…"

"Why so?" He said gentlely, guessing that this was a sensitive topic.

"It's impossible…why would I be here? There are thousands of rabid fangirls out there who would kill for a chance like this…I don't even know everything about Lord of the Rings…"

"Maybe you are here for a reason?"

Huntress snorted. "I hope not. Last thing I'd want would be to end up a Mary-Sue."

"You aren't a Mary-Sue." He assured her.

"Yes I am. I've been dropped into Middle-earth, I'm on a mission with Legolas Greenleaf –one of the most popular lust objects in existence, and so far I've been cocky and showing off every chance I get…further more, I seem to believe that I'm actually in a story-"

"-and you are going to help get rid of a Mary-Sue, travel with men who aren't even of your species and hopefully avoid romance of any kind."

She blinked, and a small part of her wondered if that was an attempt at a joke. "You aren't supposed to disagree with me. The canonical thing for you to do would be to yell 'Die, spawn of Morgoth!' and shoot a few arrows at me. By the way, I'm pretty sure what you just said violates canon in some way."

He smiled bitterly. "It has been a long time since I was myself." Huntress couldn't think of a suitable reply to that. Who could?

And so, going with the time-honoured tradition of 'actions speak louder then words', she hugged him and cried like there was no tomorrow. He stiffened, but didn't push her away. The author puked.

Gradually her sobbing turned to sniffles, and her tears stopped flowing. Slowly she looked up at him, a rather sheepish smile gracing her red and tear-stained face. "Oops?"

Legolas was still slightly startled from the unprovoked bout of emotion, but he still managed to look reassuring. "It is…alright."

Huntress grinned. "Should we go have dinner?" He nodded, and she skipped off in the direction of Pippin.

He stood there for a moment, still wondering what exactly had just happened. Finally, he smiled and followed her somewhat less enthusiastically. Oh well, who was he to try and understand mortals?

---

"So what's for dinner?" Huntress asked cheerfully, sitting down on a log near the fire; a fire that had taken a lot of sweat, blood and filthy language to build. Needless to say, Legolas and Pippin were now well-versed in English swear words- and a few Latin ones…

"Lembas." Legolas replied bluntly, throwing a few leaf-wrapped packages at Pippin and her. Her shoulder still pained her when she reached to catch the lembas, but not as much as it had before. Huntress didn't know if that was a bad thing or not.

"Thank you." She tentively nibbled at it, and then made a face. It wasn't like it tasted horrible; it was like those small wafer cookies she used to eat only without the icing (which wasn't the way she remembered them being described in the books, but it was probably the Suethor's fault).

It was bland and crumbled easily, and Huntress mournfully thought back to the pizza she'd had just nights ago. She also wondered why the fellowship had lembas before going to Lothlorien.

Her stomach rumbled, and finally the two days without food she had suffered through began to make themselves known. Finally, she gave in and wolfed it down like…a wolf?

"Anything to drink?" Pippin handed her a canteen.

Huntress squinted. "Wait…a canteen?"

"The Mary-Sue." Legolas and Pippin said. Then blinked as they realized they'd both spoken at the same time.

Apparently too thirsty to really care, she drank deeply from it…before choking.

"Whash ish this stuff?" She coughed.

"Beer." Pippin replied calmly.

"I can't drink beer." She said almost automatically.

"That is all we have." Legolas sighed, wondering why it was always one more thing.

She glared at the canteen reproachfully, then drank from it again (much slower this time). Huntress coughed a few times, but managed to keep it down.

If only her parents could see her now. Thank goodness her sister wasn't here either, or she'd never hear the end of it.

"Umm…I'll be-"cough cough."-right back in a sec…"

Legolas and Pippin nodded, and she set off.

There was just one problem-

She really had to go.

---

It was the middle of the night. Crickets chirped as the gentlely swaying reeds whispered their windy song. The smell of clean grass seemed to hang in the frigid air, softly caressing the leaves. But for Huntress, it was far from being peaceful.

She tossed and turned, as her full stomach clenched. She was slick with sweat, and her clothes seemed to stick to her body. Huntress coughed softly, and pulled the blankets tighter around her as the cold seeped through them.

Legolas and Pippin had rather graciously handed her quite a few blankets, since she seemed to have none with her. They'd offered her a lot more, but Huntress had refused.

After all, it wasn't their fault she hadn't thought to grab some supplies before being transferred to a different world.

Her gag reflex kicked in, and it took all of Huntress's power not to spill half-digested lembas all over the place. She had already made one bathroom trip already, and had no desire to repeat the experience.

To try and distract herself, she glanced at the words above her. It was handy, the way you could not only hear Phoenix's story, but read it also. The black words hung high in the sky, barely readable in the darkness of night.

But then her gag reflex kicked in again, and she knew the only way she could end the nausea was to puke her guts out.

"Guys?" Her voice sounded wispy and ragged. "Guys, are you awake?" There was the sound of someone groaning.

"We are now," Replied a rather grouchy Pippin. He was one of those accursed morning people who fell asleep almost as soon as their head hit the pillow.

"Is everything alright?" Legolas asked.

"No…" The gag reflex kicked in again, this time harder. "I need…to go…throw up…"

Then it became too much for her. Huntress tore off the covers and raced into the woods, stumbling and tripping the whole way until she finally fell over. Her hand felt a hole of some sort, and she barely had time to pull herself over it before she heaved.

It was unreal, like Huntress didn't have control of her body at all. It was all over her, but she didn't care. Then she finally stopped.

Then Huntress came to the horrifying realization that she couldn't breathe, at all. She tried to force herself to throw up again, but she began choking. The acid burned at the inside of her mouth, and she couldn't get rid of the sickening taste of vomit.

"Huntress? Are you alright?"

Briefly, she felt a stab of pity for the elf. He must have heard her the entire time, which could not have been pleasant.

But then her lack of oxygen caught up with her, and the scenery around her seemed to swirl.

Finally she felt someone give her a sharp slap on the back, and she could breathe again.

"Come, let us get you cleaned up."

---

Three days later, things weren't showing much promise. Huntress had no choice but to drink beer and eat the lembas Pippin and Legolas ate. Her shoulder wound grew worse as did her illness, and the rest of the threesome worried about her.

This wasn't your average Mary-Sue illness where she would cough lightly, have a paler complexion and faint on occasion. The symptoms of this were not nearly as 'romantic' as all that.

Every now and then Huntress would cough badly, to the point it sounded like her vocal cords were being torn out. She threw up every now and then, until finally she couldn't seem to keep anything down. She sweat buckets, her eyes became bloodshot and her hair mussed. And that was just barely scratching the surface.

Still, she kept going. Not out of bravery, determination or anything poetic like that, just because Huntress knew she wouldn't survive long in the woods alone if she didn't keep up with them.

"Halt!"

They complied, and then turned around, all of them sporting looks of varying confusion.

A Mary-Sue stood before them. Her hair was 'a beautifull maghogany chesnut', and her eyes were 'golden emerald'. Her curvaceous form was covered by a beautiful 'deeep grene' dress with bell sleeves. She had a cross-shaped birthmark in the center of her forehead, and behind her stood a golden griffin with the same eyes as his mistress.

"I, the Half-elf Charity Ravenwing, demand to know what you are doing!" She…well…demanded.

Legolas, Huntress and Pippin rolled their eyes, and continued on.

"Hey, stop!" They didn't. "If this is about Phoenix-"

That caught their interest.

"Phoenix? What do you know about Phoenix?" Huntress said nervously.

"Like I'd tell you," The 'Sue snorted. A notched arrow pointed at her throat later…"Alright!"

"Tell us, **now**." Legolas wasn't very patient with 'Sues, as you may have noticed.

"Jeez…"

"Now."

"Leggy, be mine!"

That caught him off-guard. "What…?"

In one fluid movement the 'Sue leaped forward, in an attempt to glomp him. But before anyone could scarcely register it, Pippin had tackled her to the ground.

"Don't you **dare** make any sudden moves." He threatened, holding the tip of his blade against her throat. 'Charity's eyes were wide, and she hyperventilated.

To say Legolas and Huntress were vaguely impressed would be an understatement.

Huntress blinked. "Wow…I mean…**wow**!" Legolas was equally stunned.

"Well…?" Pippin gave her a pointed look.

"Alright, alright!" She snapped. "Phoenix is…very powerful…"

"We already know that. You are of no use to us." Legolas's voice was cold.

The blade pressed harder. "No! Wait! when I said Phoenix was powerful…I meant that she's…she's…"

"What?" urged Huntress.

"She's…not just any Mary-Sue…Phoenix is capable of things beyond your understanding…" Her eyes were wide, and the fear was evident in her body language. "…she's…she's…the **One**."

"Insert Matrix joke here." Huntress replied wryly, not very impressed. "Look, I know all Mary-Sues are-"

"No! She's powerful, too powerful." Her voice sounded urgent. "You've must join her, join the one, join the all powerful, join the-"

Charity started to choke, and pushed Pippin off. The threesome stood ready, tense and waiting for her to make a threatening move. She started to twitch, and clutched her head. Tears started to run down her face, and she started to scream.

And then the strangest thing happened. The world as they knew it began to shift and rumble, and everything seemed to warp before their very eyes.

"KILL HER! KILL HER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" She screamed.

Everything stopped.

Huntress vainly tried to regain her balance, having fallen over in the chaos. "What the-"

Then she realized why it had ended. The Mary-Sue stood ramrod still, an arrow neatly piercing her perfect neck. The threesome looked on wide-eyed.

"Please…save me…" Charity murmured, then collapsed. Her 'golden emerald' eyes went glassy.

Huntress examined her curiously. "How could she say that if her vocal cords were trashed?"

"I think…that is the last of our worries." Legolas replied. Huntress followed his gaze, and then abruptly stiffened.

There Phoenix stood, bow strung and cocky smirk on hand. "Miss me?"

---

Uh oh. Guess Legolas and company's bad luck is just getting worse :) As always, review!


	7. What in Arda is a Moose?

**Author's Note:** No, this is NOT the author, little witch she is…this is Phoenix Redleaf, The One. Apparently, She's too busy to speak to you right now (having a test and eighteen assignments to complete), and saddled me with the arduous task. First of all, a few notices (I was forced into reading these, just to be perfectly clear). The author was using Her sister's profile to post this story, and is actually known as 'Stormtracer' (hence the name change). Ha, She wouldn't know an interesting name if it bit Her in the-

Oh right, no swearing. D. Ah well, onto to other 'news'. Apparently She saw the Narnia movie (main character was v. cute in my opinion, but everyone was sort of 'blah cheesy line blahblah blah…'. She told me to shut up, the sappy fool She is (She has loved that book since She was even more of a brat then now)).

Three of the CAFs (Crimson, Shadow and Charity's griffin) have been stolen from me already. Hey, I killed Charity so that means I get her stuff! Stormtracer said that 'Miriam' is merely an older form of Mary, which is sort of symbolic (the symbolism being that Huntress is an embodiment of the original idea of Mary-Sues, before they were 'glorified' whatever that means…)

Last and certainly least, the Christmas chapter should be out soon, and She wants opinions on what it should be about. Stormtracer has a few things 'planned', but would appreciate some feedback. I told Her She should ditch the 'Huntress' chick and just write an old-fashioned Mary-Sue (with me, of course!) but She didn't seem to like that idea. Oh well, at least I get to have a cool scene in this chapter…didn't She say something about avoiding spoilers? Ah well, who cares.

**_Someone Else- _**You reviewed twice without needing to! That makes me so happy! ...that didn't come out right…

**_Almenel- _**Ah, yes. How is Phoenix so powerful? Just keep reading :)

**_Aduro-_** I will, you can rest assured of that :)

**_Uruviel Helyanwe-_** My sister reviewed your story…without asking me…rolls eyes. Personally, I thought it was very good- but you may want to go through it again, just so you can take out a few clichés if you see any :) Try and find a few examples of Mary-Sues in PotC, just so you'll know what to avoid. Oh, and Charity is a special case – is she another 'Sue from the same story, or something else? You'll have to keep reading to find out :)

**_Catherine Rose-_** CAD? I'm afraid we don't have any of those hear…did you mean CAF? (and if you mean a CAF, you'll have to specify which one:))

**_glwbender90-_** I think it was a combination actually. Plus, the extreme emotions (fear, confusion) and stress she's been going through probably played a part nods.

The Moose song © someone I don't know, and have never met. It's been around forever though, so I'm pretty sure it's in the public doman. Tell me if it's otherwise :)

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story. But that might change… :)**

_**Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue! (Parody)**_

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Seven: What in Arda is a 'Moose?'**

"Miss me?"

"You should leave this place at once." Legolas said coldly.

"Leave us alone!" Pippin practically snarled.

"Ooooh," The 'Sue smirked, ignoring Pippin. "And I suppose you have more to back this up than just a runt and a dog?" She looked over at the glaring Huntress, who gritted her teeth.

Legolas himself was having a similar reaction to the insults, but managed to be much more composed then the teenager that stood beside him. He would not count Huntress as a 'friend' exactly, but…well…it's a complicated almost-friendship.

"Well, let's get on with it." Phoenix laughed. "It's quite obvious I have you at a disadvantage, and I intend to use it. Human, come forward."

"You will not touch her." Legolas replied.

"Now isn't this cute, a protective elven prince and a young brainless human girl." She chuckled. "Sounds quite familiar, doesn't it?"

Legolas glanced over at Huntress, who couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"I'm not a Mary-Sue." She murmured.

Phoenix rolled her eyes. "Isn't that what they all say? COME FORWARD." Huntress hesitantly did so.

"I was being courteous last time, giving you a chance to profess your eternal love for whomever you pleased before dying." Phoenix whispered into her ear, holding her sword up. "I pitied you, the less fortunate of fanfiction creations. Now I know that was a mistake, quite a grave mistake…"

Huntress looked up at her, eyes wide and full of fear. Phoenix notched an arrow, and then pointed it directly at her face.

"…one I intend to remedy."

An arrow nailed her right on the back of her head, and she slumped forward. Currently pinned to ground by the 'Sue, Huntress barely registered what had happened.

"Is…is she dead?" Pippin whispered. Legolas did not answer, an arrow strung and bow ready should she require another arrow.

There was the sound of muffled snickering, which turned to outright laughter. To Huntress's horror, the 'Sue gradually started to stand up.

Pulling the arrow out, Phoenix examined it with something akin to amusement.

"Any more resistance?"

Suddenly, another arrow (white, with trailing golden sparks) fixed itself in Phoenix's right arm, and the 'Sue screamed in pain. Huntress took that opportunity to escape, pulling herself out of Phoenix's arms and running as fast as she could.

"Thou must not harm OCs, for they are kin and should be treated as such."

A dazzling white light filled the small clearing. Legolas shielded his eyes and tried to get a glimpse at what was causing it, but the light only seemed to intensify until he was nearly blinded.

"Go away Celeste! You are not welcome here." Hissed Phoenix

"I am one of thy own kind, shunned and forsaken amidst this chaos. My purpose is the same, yet my mind is clearer." The light cleared, and the threesome could only stare.

_She had a long-sleeved white dress with bell sleeves (how's that for redundancy?), and long whitish-goldish-silverish pwetty hair. Her eyes were all the colors of the rainbow and more, and her beauty was unsurpassed by any in the land._

_Here name is Celeste Cereneserenemoonbeam, the light of the elves and blessed of her people. A position the author knows is already filled, but doesn't care._

Huntress narrowed her eyes. "The spelling and grammar seem better …and the writing style is…funny…"

"Most curious…" Legolas added.

"You are no kin of mine!" Phoenix screamed. "Your accursed mockery of fanfiction weakens our power! Leave me be, Parody-Sue!"

The threesome blinked. "Parody-Sue?"

"Yes, It is all true!" trilled Celeste dramatically. "I am but a simple Parody-Sue with a tragic past, eternal youth and pwettiness and a loving, loyal Cute Animal Friend!" She gestured to the winged unicorn behind her.

There was a pause. Crickets chirped. Huntress coughed.

"You may have won this time, but- Urk!" Phoenix's arm had started to melt where Celeste's arrow had struck. Phoenix moved away into the forest, hoping to save some grace.

"You haven't seen the last of- Ow, that **hurts**!"

"Please forgive her," Celeste apologized. "She's never been much of a people person."

"Who…who's side are you on?" Pippin asked, voicing the unanimous question.

Celeste smiled timidly. "Thou already knows. Now I do not know about thy, but I would rather not see that young lady bleed to death."

Indeed, Phoenix's sword had left a nasty cut on Huntress's neck.

"Lady? I do not see a lady here…" Legolas smiled. Huntress made an offended sound. Celeste gestured at the girl to follow her behind a patch of trees, and Huntress doubtfully followed.

"Are you sure we can trust her?" Pippin didn't look convinced.

"Yes."

"How do you know that?"

Legolas's smile faded, and he sighed. "I do not know…but I am sure of it." Pippin still looked sceptical.

"We must be really out of character…"

---

Once Upon a Time, there lived a girl. This girl was a beauty beyond compare, with long chocolate locks and forest green eyes. She was also-

Oops, wrong story.

And so we go back to our…well, they certainly aren't heroes. Huntress was hiding behind a tree, Legolas and Pippin looked stunned and Celeste was sewing.

There was obviously a very interesting story behind this.

"Did you **have** to pull my shirt off like that?"

Celeste didn't turn in the direction of her voice, focusing on the simple task before her. "Yes, I can not have thy going around with a split shirt. It would not be proper."

"Proper? Don't you lecture me on what's proper!"

"Thy would have rejected my help if I had not, because thou would have ended up in the same spot as now. At least I had the decency to take it off when they weren't looking." Celeste said simply.

"I could've taken it off behind the trees and then thrown it to you!"

"…"

"Ha! I knew it!"

"…cursed knot…"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Nay."

Huntress growled, and then started banging her head repeatedly on a tree.

"…Could thou stop that?" Celeste asked softly.

"**Why**?"

"It is giving me a dreadful headache…who knows, my hand may slip…"

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

Huntress scowled.

"There, all done." The Parody-Sue said quietly, before holding it up and examining her work.

"Could you give it to me now?" Huntress said impatiently.

"No, I will not. Thou should not insult someone who has helped thy."

"Oh, shove off!" Huntress reached managed to grab the shirt quickly slipped on her shirt behind the tree (which was awkward).

"So, we can go now…where are we going anyway?"

Snapping out it, Legolas simply replied. "We are tracking the Phoenix."

Huntress blinked. "Oh, right…I knew that."

"I didn't." Pippin sighed.

---

And so they walked; and walked; and just for a change- they walked some more. You can tell the author is getting bored.

Unfortunately, Huntress had an attention span equal to her creator. And as many campers can say; when bored one usually lapses into a silly song.

"There was a Moose, who liked to drink a lot of juice…His name was Fred, he liked to drink his juice in bed-"

"What in Arda's name in a 'Moose'?" Legolas asked, baffled.

"It's…uh…a deer, a really big deer with huge antlers. There are loads where I come from, though I can't say I've ever actually **seen** one."

"Ah." When in doubt, agree with everything the other person says.

"He drank his juice with care, but he spilt it on his hair…"

Legolas covered his ears, reflecting on how this was going to be one long journey.

And journey they did. Over rolling hills-

"Oww! My ankle!"

-And through deep grass-

"Aie! Something bit me!"

-Through dark forests-

"Itchy…so very itchy…oh, I just walked through some poison Ivy, that's why…"

-And into beehives-

"Yah! LEGOLAS!"

"By Eru, do you have to injure yourself every ten seconds Huntress!"

-Until Pippin finally asked the All Important Questions.

"Why is there so much uncanonical scenery?"

"Probably the 'Sues fault, or the authoress…es…is."

The authoress did not dignify that with a response of any kind.

"Are you sure we're heading the right way Legolas?"

"Of course we are!" He snapped. Having someone singing camp songs in your ear for hours upon hours does that to you.

"Shouldn't thou ask directions?" Celeste replied timidly, having mostly hung back for most of the conversations.

"I don't **need** to ask for directions!"

"Legolas, you're being uncanonical." Huntress snickered

He was silent.

"That's one way to keep him quiet." Huntress sounded satisfied. "Well, judging by the conjunctions and bratty demeanour, I'd say we aren't that far off course."

"Huntress, you are acting like a Mary-Sue." Pippin smiled.

She was silent.

"That's one way to keep **her** quiet…" Pippin mused.

---

Made this one a bit longer then usual, and if I had more time I would've made it longer. I know it's boring towards the end, but I'm sick, so…yeah. Had to let Phoenix take over the first part.

So, as always, review. It makes me happy, and considering how it'll be a miracle if I get through half the stuff I'm supposed this week AND get over this cold….well, let's just say I could use it :)


	8. A Conclusion is Made

**Author's Note:** Hi! You are probably curious why I put (insert canon's name) in this story. To be frank, (insert canon's name) is my favourite character (which is something I just realized a few days ago), and I felt he's gotten bashed enough by 'Sues to warrant a place in here :) Yes ladies (and gentleman, if there are any out there…), Legolas is not my favourite character ;D

Sorry for letting Phoenix take over, I really was desperate. Actually, I'm STILL desperate -shifty eyes-. I actually had to delete part of this so I could get on with it. Oh, and I'm sick, **really** sick.

EDIT: Okay, so I'm not sick anymore, give me a break…

Made this chapter much longer then the last one…and yes, I made Huntress sick :) Face it; with that much rough treatment, alcohol and stress, it was going to happen sooner or later. No, this will not end up as a mushy hurt/comfort fic if I can help it. And it can be hard to think when you're extremely sick, I know firsthand.

**_Child of the Seine-_** Dude(tte), I think the review I sent you says it all:) Thanks for the higher review count tho!

**_glwbender90-_** Believe me, she'll only get nastier :)

**_Almenel- _**-innocently- What _ever_ gave you that idea? ;)

**_VixenMage- _**Yes, I have a lot of screen names :) Stormtracer, Er…, Mirthful Tears…the list goes on :) You're happy with the 'Sue parody! Great! I was hoping she'd evict a good response. And yes, Huntress would have to be my most favoured OC. I'm being very careful with her, to try and keep her from becoming a MS.

**_Catherine Rose-_** Umm…well, Shadow's a him :) And he's already taken, I'm afraid. Perhaps Fang Blood Bloodyfang the tiger or Grimfeather The Gothic-and-Pie-Loving would due? If not, more CAFs will be appearing soon anyways :)

**_gundamkiwi-_** The bad (eth) old English Celeste speaks is purposely done :) I wanted to make her seem more Mary-Sueish to make up for her likable personality. I also distorted some of the Canon's speech (instead of Legolas saying 'I know not' he says 'I do not know'); except for Pippin, whose speech pattern I've just plain ol' forgotten… (did he use conjunctions?).

The-new-canon-that-appears-in-this-chapter, Legolas, Pippin, LotR, etc. © someone I don't know, and have never met. I do, however, own the CAFs, Minis, Huntress/Miriam Jones, Celeste, Phoenix (though you can have her :)), the plot and a few other things that are not part of LotR canon.

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story. **

**Honestly, if you haven't figured out I'm lying; you have serious mental problems :)**

_**Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue! (Parody)**_

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Eight: A Conclusion is Made (About Huntress of Course!)**

Most people start mornings with the same routine. Viciously mutilate alarm clock, reluctantly pull of covers because sleep obviously won't come, brush teeth and check tongue in bathroom, grunt at chipper parents/grandparents/siblings/relatives of some kind/cat/dog/Tyrannosaurus rex who just **happen** to be morning people, then head down to breakfast to let your head fall into your bowl of cereal. Pretty much everyone has the same routine, as many scientific surveys can attest-

**Attention: We are well aware that paragraph was not only boring but ill-placed, and the people responsible have been sacked. Thank you.**

"I love you!" Huntress moaned, practically sucking off Phoenix's face.

"I love you too!" Phoenix gasped.

**Attention: We are well aware that those words were not only pointless but deeply disturbing, and the people responsible for sacking the previously mentioned people have been sacked. Thank you.**

And now that the author has stopped channelling Monty Python, we can _finally_ get on with the darn story.

---

It was dawn. A rosy pink tinted the darkened sky, and the sun came forth in all his golden glory. Birds sang and fluttered about, and the majesty of the morning would take anyone's breath away.

Legolas, however, was more interested in keeping up with Phoenix then admiring the scenery. Well…that wasn't entirely true.

Right now he just wanted a certain fifteen-year-old to wake up. "Time to wake."

There was a muffled groan, and her pale hand pulled the blankets tighter over herself.

He sighed; wondering (not for the first time) if taking her along was the right thing to do. She obviously wasn't taking very well to the hit-and-run, drinking-alcohol lifestyle. The entire reason they had moved far away from Phoenix was to regroup, and hopefully strike back.

"Mmmff…"

Encouraged by this feeble sign of life, he gently tried to pry the blankets away. "Huntress, we need to get going."

There was more murmuring, then a gasp of pain. She held her blankets in an iron grip.

"Huntress…?" Not even she normally took this long to get up. He moved a bit closer, and finally removed the blankets from her face.

"Valar…" Huntress was sick, very sick. She was pale and tears slid down her cheeks. He felt her forehead, and was slightly alarmed. She was burning up.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Pippin said blearily, having just woken up.

"She is very ill." Legolas replied, covering her with the blanket again.

"I can handle it." He looked over at the Parody-Sue, briefly wondering how she'd suddenly appeared. Celeste knelt next to Huntress, examining her curiously. She pulled back her shirt slightly, and felt for a heartbeat (the Suethor who created her knew nothing of medicine, so the 'Sue did not try to find a pulse the way most people with more than two brain cells would).

"She appears to be sick…"

"We know." Legolas replied; his tone slightly clipped.

"Her wound is healed…" Pippin noted. Indeed, where Phoenix's arrow had hit, there was not even a scar.

"That would be my doing." Celeste said, sounding slightly embarrassed. At Legolas's confused, she elaborated. "To make up for snatching her shirt, I healed her wound. Did you not notice she seemed more…active?"

"Does that mean you could heal her now?"

Celeste shook her head. "Nay, my creator never mentioned that my healing powers extended to more than open wounds, so I am powerless."

"Then what shall we do?" Legolas questioned urgently.

Celeste gave him a strange look. "Why so anxious?"

"Every moment Phoenix moves further and further away. We cannot fall behind." He replied gravely.

"I do not think we have much choice on the matter." Celeste directed one last worried look towards Huntress, whose breathing had become ragged and faint.

---

The first thing she noticed was the headache. It was like a thousand drums were being played right next to her ear, the steady throbbing accompanied by short lightning-bursts of pain.

_Pain…_

Huntress stumbled out of bed and immediately started to shiver. If you have ever been on a camping trip or in an uninsulated cottage, you will know what I am talking about (as you may have guessed, the author has suffered through both).

_Pain…cold…hunger…_

As you may have guessed, coherent thought was somewhat beyond her at this point. Forcing herself to think (which was incredibly painful), she tried to remember…something.

_Legolas…_

Something insistently tugged at her mind. Oh yes, She was in a Mary-Sue, and traveling with Legolas the elf and Pippin the hobbit wasn't she? Swaying, she staggered a short way before finally falling face-first into the dirt.

_Oww…_

Scowling, she pushed herself up into an unsteady crouch. Her glassy eyes blearily searched the clearing for a familiar face, but to no avail. Nearly falling backwards, she awkwardly stood up again-

-And found herself face to face with someone who was definitely **not** Legolas. Or Pippin, but considering this was face to face he was ruled out to begin with.

"Greetings," He smiled. Huntress blinked, and then rubbed her eyes. Before her stood Boromir of Gonder, eldest son of Denethor and would-be (-coughcough-) Steward of Gonder.

"Eh-o?" She managed, and then fainted.

---

Legolas snapped to alert. "Someone is coming…"

"Someone is coming?" Celeste asked, puzzled.

"Someone is coming." Pippin said firmly. The word 'redundancy' comes to mind, but the author is too lazy to look it up. Scratch that, the author is on a tight schedule and is too busy to revise it.

A few moments later, Legolas was proven right. Boromir entered (yet another) clearing (a word which is being abused quite a bit in this fic), with Huntress hoisted over his shoulder. Because, however romantic carrying her in his arms would have been, firemen carries are definitely more practical.

"Boromir?" Pippin's eyes were wide.

"I found this girl wandering through the forest," He –gentlely, but not **that** gentlely- put her down, and looked at them. "She was very close to here, actually. Do you know her?"

"She is Huntress, a girl from another world. She appears to have great knowledge of Phoenix and Mary-Sues in general." Legolas replied.

"Another world?" Boromir eyes hardened. "So she is one of them. I thought her clothing was strange, but she looked so…human I did not realize…"

"Huntress is not one of them," Pippin said firmly, surprisingly everyone in the vicinity. "she is helping us capture Phoenix. She is no Mary-Sue."

There was a short bout of silence.

"I see…" Boromir said thoughtfully. "Most curious…"

There was the sound of someone clearing their throat, and everyone turned to look at Celeste.

"Indeed, it is most curious, but she is gravely sick and should be put to bed immediately milord."

Boromir nodded. "Aye, that is true. But who might you be?"

Celeste respectfully did not look at him. "Celeste the Parody-Sue, milord, and I am but a humble girl who does not wish…to intrude."

There was another awkward pause, which did not last long.

"Come, I wish to speak with you Legolas and Pippin. We have much to talk about." He smiled. Boromir gave her one last curious look, and then moved off.

"I will look after Huntress." Pippin said, gesturing towards the girl.

"I can-"Celeste started.

"No." He said firmly. "I will need you to help me carry her, but it is best if I look after her."

The overly-perfect maiden looked at Pippin, then Boromir and Legolas confusedly. Then she realized that Pippin wanted Legolas and Boromir to talk to each other alone, for some strange reason.

"Alright…" She said reluctantly. "I…guess I can look for firewood…"

And so that, as they say, was that.

---

"You do not trust them."

The question was so abrupt, it caught Legolas by surprise. "What?"

"You do not trust Celeste or the girl called Huntress. It is easy to tell." Boromir replied.

"No, I do not trust them."

"Why did you allow them to follow you? Surely it would be better to leave them behind."

"Huntress can be useful…and Celeste will not leave." He smiled bitterly.

"Indeed." Boromir sounded amused. "But this 'Huntress' girl…you say she is not a Mary-Sue, yet her circumstances and mysterious arrival seem to make her one. Have you ever asked her how she came to be here? What her life was like before? How she knows so much about Mary-Sues to begin with?"

Legolas sighed. "No, I have not," Boromir quirked an eyebrow at him.

It did not sit well with the elf to be reminded that he was very out of character, and he glanced back at the clearing with an unreadable expression.

Boromir sighed. He and Legolas had never been exceptionally close, but it still slightly alarmed him to see the author's influence that plainly in the elven prince.

"Perhaps there is nothing exceptionally deceitful about her, but…we should remain on guard until we are certain."

Legolas stiffened. "I never intended not to be."

---

Blissfully unaware of the conflict and suspicion she was causing, Huntress slept on. Strange blurred nightmares plagued her, curling around her thoughts like smoke, which probably isn't the greatest description ever.

Though she hardly realized it, Boromir was trying to get rid of her illness as quickly as possible; it would not do to have a sick woman on a journey like this, for obvious reasons. Apparently even captains of Gondor had rudimentary healing prowess, which frustrated Legolas to no end. He was certain that – if not for the circumstances – he would not be so usless.

In any case, she awoke to a darkened sky and dancing firelight. Blinking a few minutes as she tried to remember where she was, she crawled up of bed with the enthusiasm of a tortoise.

"You are awake." Legolas was sitting on a log only a few feet away. IT was about this time that Huntress noticed there was not a living soul in the clearing.

The audience booed, thinking this was turning into a bad romance (which it most certainly isn't!). One glare from Legolas, and they immediately shut up.

"Don't mind them." Huntress said, then did a double take. "Whoa…did that sound as bad as I thought it did?"

Smiling, he nodded. She face palmed, which is an action that pretty much speaks for itself.

"Where is everyone anyway?" She asked, slightly curious.

"Firewood," He replied, focused on the…umm…fire.

Blink. "Oh…"

"You've no idea how much wood it takes to keep a fire going." His eyes wide, and he covered his mouth.

"Well…"She mused. "I guess we're both weird."

"I am just 'out of character'." He pointed out. She shrugged.

There was a rather awkward pause. Which the author seems to put in a lot…

"Is it just me, or does it seem we're being set up for a one-on-one talk by the author?"

"It is not 'just you'." Legolas assured her.

She sighed, thoroughly sick of…well, everything. Being stuck in the middle of the wilderness, without plumbing/shampoo/water/etc., having to deal with a bitchy Mary-Sue, having to deal with Boromir/Legolas/Celeste and she couldn't think of anything else at the moment, but there was probably more.

"Legolas, remember when I asked you if you trusted me?"

"_You don't trust me, do you?" Huntress said sadly. _

"_No." He replied bluntly._

"Yes, I do."

"Do you trust me now?"

"No." She sighed, but wasn't really surprised. He glanced at her.

"How could I trust you?"

She gave him a strange look. "What did you say?"

"How could I trust you, considering? I have only known you for a few days, and you came mysteriously in a rather…dark time."

They both gazed at the fire, which crackled merrily. Both were silent, but somehow content that they now understood each other.

"Legolas?"

"Yes?" He glanced at her again.

"I read the books before."

He blinked. "Pardon?"

"I read the books – or rather, had them read to me-; before the movies, before Orlando Bloom, before fanfiction." She said softly. "I never really thought about falling into middle-earth and seducing you or your companions."

"The whole reason I became interested in your story was because I…liked it. Not because the actors were cute, or the special effects were neat, or because I was into what was 'popular'. I just liked it, and that's still how I think of it." She continued quietly. "I haven't always thought like that, but…yeah. This isn't a neat story about a perfect woman who ends up in middle-earth and falls in love- this is about a girl who ends up with the men she admires greatly."

Then Legolas realized she was just a frightened girl, who just wanted to get home and stop mucking with her favourite fandom.

"You aren't like Phoenix." He said quietly.

She laughed, but it came out shrill and unhappy. "Yeah, I'd like to think so. But I am in a way, a way I can't really ignore. In a way, I have the same want to prove that I'm useful in some way to people I admire. Or maybe I'm wrong, I really don't know anymore."

She rubbed at her eyes, and Legolas had the sneaking suspicion she was crying.

"Great," She said angrily. "Now I sound exactly like a Mary-Sue."

Legolas didn't answer, just sort of awkwardly patted her on the back.

**Attention: We are well aware that was sappy and badly written, and the person responsible has been sacked. Thank you.**

---

Yes, I'm not so sure if ending the chapter off on that was right. Oh, and yes- Legolas and Huntress are not friends yet. Most friendships (and trust) do not develop overnight; it takes a long time to establish any relationship. Huntress did break down and cry, but c'mon- it isn't like you see it in the Mary-Sues, things don't end up that perfectly. Huntress is here to provide contrast between Mary-Sues and well-written (or at least an attempt at a well-written) character. See the difference?


	9. Thou Shalt Not Nance!

**Author's Note:** So much for the hiatus this was supposedly on…oh, and I added a new feature to my Author's Notes, you like:) Oh, and this story still isn't a romance- never will be, if I have anything to say about it.

EDIT: Wow. I haven't updated in AGES. Yes, Huntress is a witch in this chapter- I can't excuse her behaviour, but try to think of it from her point of view and you may find the reason why. Plus, it makes for good character development! -toothy grin-

Note to self: try to make author's notes shorter and more interesting…

Reviewer replies have been moved to the bottom- makes it more convenient and easier to read for those out there that don't care and don't review (REVIEW, GOSH DARN IT!). Sorry this is so short…writer's block :(

Oh…and this is based on the (little) knowledge I have with these things. Real life experience and what I've heard…so I don't claim to be entirely accurate.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: gundamkiwi, the person who gave reasons why Huntress wasn't a Mary-Sue…I think I needed that to get this chapter out :) EDIT: Of course, I still took eons to do it...

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story. They were, however, used in experimental testing- I never knew lipstick could make you grow a beard…**

**_Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!_**

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Nine: Thou Shalt Not Nance!**

"Oh my goodness, it's cold!"

Legolas sighed exasperatedly. Celeste had been complaining about the same thing for hours upon hours upon…minutes.

"Could you please keep quiet?" He replied, somewhat irritably.

She eyed him warily, and went on ahead (after all, she couldn't very well fire back a Snappy But Witty Retort). Boromir and Pippin gave him a curious look, and then followed her somewhat reluctantly.

The elf sighed. Five days had past since Huntress had 'spilled her guts' (as she referred to it); five days since he had last spoken to her.

As almost an afterthought, he glanced back at the young fifteen-year-old girl fighting to keep up. The closer they got to Caradhras, the colder it seemed to get. There was also the snow (well, duh); which was almost four feet deep in some places. It was no problem for him or the others to keep a reasonable pace (though Boromir, Pippin and Celeste still had a difficult time battling through the powdery menace), but Huntress was gradually falling more and more behind. That thought worried him.

"Do you need any assistance?" He asked her, once she had come close enough.

She stopped struggling a moment to glare at him. "I don't need any help, I'm doing perfectly fine on my own."

Legolas could see instantly this was a lie. With only a short-sleeved shirt and ragged jeans Huntress was extremely cold, and it was evident in her shivering. She was panting heavily and had sounded out of breath, and it was obvious Huntress was tremendously tired.

"Are you sure?" He asked, following her at a very, very slow walk as she continued to wrestle through the deep snow.

"Positive." Huntress snarled, kicking and pushing vehemently. "Stupid snow…stupid Mary-Sue…"

Legolas just gave her an odd look as she attempting to use brute force to cut a path through the snow.

"Dammit!" She finally screamed, collapsing in the snow in a flurry of…snow?

Sighing, Legolas managed to lift her to her feet, draping one arm around his shoulder. Despite the fact that many fangirls would positively die to be in her place, Huntress was as limp as an overcooked hot dog.

"You weigh more then I had expected…" he grunted, mildly surprised that he hadn't sunken deeper into the snow.

"Just let me go…" Huntress sighed. Apparently, she had used up what little energy she had on her nervous breakdown.

"I cannot allow you to fall behind."

"I'm slowing you down! Just…go on ahead! I'll be fine!" Apparently, she recovered quickly.

"Do you not realize what will happen if you cannot keep up?"

Huntress glared at him, and started to struggle. "I…can…bloody…well…take care….of myself!" She gasped, trying to get him to let go.

Finally, Legolas did indeed do just that. Huntress's eyes widened, before she sank deep into the snow. Legolas snorted; barely able to contain his laughter (she really did look ridiculous).

"Oh shut up you…you nancing elf!" She snapped, once again forced to battle the elements.

"And what, pray tell, would 'nancing' be?" He was still grinning, in that infuriating way only elves can manage.

Pulling herself completely free, she gave him a look. "Nancing...like what you're doing right now."

He blinked.

Huntress gestured helplessly. "You know, the way you…never mind."

She returned to fighting her way through the snow, somehow in a much worse mood then before she'd spoken with him.

But Legolas wouldn't let it go. "What exactly did you mean?"

She stopped, giving him an exasperated look. "I meant that you're the perfect Lust Object for any fangirl. You're attractive, you have the personality of a log, nothing ever seems to affect you, you're a prince on a Very Important Quest and much more. Face it, you're a Marty-Stu! The only people who will ever care about your character will be hormone-raging preteen fangirls- or boys also, I guess!" Huntress found herself yelling out the last few parts, and lowered her voice.

"According to fanfiction tradition, I'm supposed to fall in love with you. It doesn't matter whether you love me back, or if I deny it for the longest time possible, because that's how it always goes. Unfortunately, tradition probably never had someone like me in mind when thinking up some of the most famous (or infamous) clichés in the history of literature- I'm not falling in love with you, and I'd rather keep my distance and not form any relationship (be it romantic, platonic, etc.)."

It was kind of obvious that Huntress had wanted to say this for a very long time. Taking a deep breath, she resumed clearing away the snow in hopes of catching up with the others.

The authoress would like to mention that when under extreme stress, with an almost empty stomach and feeling as sick as a dog, tempers are usually very high. She knows. She teaches a Sunday school class.

"A Marty-Stu?" The term was unfamiliar to the elf, but he could guess at its meaning. He stared at her slowly retreating form before finally resuming walking- if not somewhat stiffly. He has his limits, you know.

In a plain of reality quite different from this one, the authoress face palmed- an action she finds herself doing a lot lately.

"Darn. Not a single **good** joke for three long pages! I knew I was losing interest in this story, I just didn't realize how much…this parody is going to the dogs, I just know it…"

"Oh, stop complaining!" The authoress's sister gave her a good whack. Which apparently helped, or this story would have ended right here….

---

If this were the very same plain of reality mentioned before, whatever understanding Huntress and Legolas had reached would have been ripped to pieces and scattered to the four winds as life reinstated Murphy's Law.

This, of course, would mean that any semblance of a friendship that had existed between the formerly mentioned…people…would have been a dim, if not scoffed at memory. The sort of memory one forgets as it is replaced by newer, more interesting ones.

However, this is a story about a few disgruntled Middle-earthians, a parody Mary-Sue and a girl from over the rainbow (or some other such nonsense) battling the elements, Mary-Sues, CAFs and ever shifting circumstances, as they try to hunt down one of the most puke-worthy 'Sues ever to hit the internet.

Plus, the authoress feels it is her duty to remind you that this is her story, and she can do whatever she bloody well pleases with it (no offence intended). Therefore, things did not work out the way they normally do.

Blizzards tend to have that effect. But then how would I know- I've never really been in a blizzard. Yes, I'm lying.

"WHICH WAY ARE WE GOING?" Huntress shouted, trying in vain to be heard over the snowstorm. Everything was dark and freezing, and even Legolas had a bit of trouble getting through the harsh wind and even harsher cold.

Celeste's ability to miraculously conjure…things came in handy, as Huntress's t-shirt and jeans were hardly suitable for the weather. The teenage girl was still furious for not telling her about it earlier. She was now dressed (of course, she was dressed before…) in warm white breeches, a white hooded winter coat and heavy white snow boots (like you care…).

"PARDON?" Boromir yelled back.

"THE RIGHT WAY!" Legolas replied. Huntress scowled, but didn't make anything else of it.

"WE SHOULD TURN BACK!" Celeste hollered, her beautiful (but extremely impractical) dress whipping every which way as the force of the wind tried to tear at her.

"NOT UNTIL WE KNOW FOR CERTAIN PHOENIX ISN'T HERE!" Huntress replied, then stopped and thought it through. "COME TO THINK OF IT, THAT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY STUPID REASON! WHY ARE WE HERE AGAIN?"

She never got her answer, because at that very moment there was an extremely loud crack from overhead.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Pippin squinted, craning his neck. There was a strange shifting sound, and then a rumble.

"AVALANCHE!" Boromir cried, and they all immediately moved farther from the edge. Save for Huntress, who had not heard him properly.

"WHAT?" She bellowed. As you can guess, the author can't seem to find a suitable thesaurus.

But then she was hit by a wave of snow, and Huntress felt momentary weightlessness as she was swept off the cliff.

"HUNTRESS!" Celeste screamed. The four companions watched helplessly as Huntress fell towards what surely would be her death.

The world was dark, then gray, then white as her world seemingly spun around her in a myriad of colours and sound. Huntress's head struck something hard and she fell against hard rock…

---

The first thing she noticed was the cold all around her. It was extremely cold. So cold Huntress felt numb and powerless to do anything but lie there as the tightly-packed snow built up and made escape even more futile.

Needless to say, she wasn't feeling all that great.

She coughed, trying to clear her throat of the snow forced down it by the avalanche. Groaning, she opened her eyes- only to be met by a great wall of snow.

Coughing all the while, she struggled and tried to dig her way out- a difficult task, since it was extremely hard to tell top from bottom. Huntress could feel something warm and sticky on her arm, and distantly realized that she was injured. As far as Huntress could guess, she had broken or fractured her right arm, twisted an ankle and (she suspected) broken a few ribs.

Finally she broke the surface (because she was incredibly lucky, as most people would have frozen to death/suffocated/ended up deep under the snow), then had the wind knocked out of her by a fierce gust.

Huntress gasped, and tried to cover face as best she could. You know, because she'd heard the horror stories about frostbite. They tend to be retold a lot in Canada.

She licked her lips, and finally uncovered her eyes so she could take in her surroundings. It seemed that she had fallen onto a slight outcropping by some miracle. Dark grey stretched seemingly for miles around her, and the only discernable thing in sight was the cliff that loomed up into the blackness. Huntress suddenly felt very insignificant.

"Wow…" she said, her voice hoarse

And then it seemed to sink in. She was stuck in the middle of a blizzard, injured, without her companions and with no possible way of getting back to them. Huntress slowly sat down, mindful of her injuries. Like most people faced with certain death, she did the only thing she could think of:

Have an epiphany.

This wasn't fun anymore. Whether or not she kicked Phoenix's butt didn't matter, all she wanted now was to go **home**.

_If- no, when- I die, what do I have to show for all this? I ended up in one of my favourite stories, went after a Mary-Sue, met one of the biggest Lust Objects in pop culture history, P.O.'d said Lust Object, acted like a bitch, acted like a Mary-Sue and a few other things. What a legacy to leave behind._

The realization that she was most definitely going to die didn't bother her as much as it should have. This was one moment when everything just didn't seem to matter, and all the witty comments and jokes in the world couldn't change that.

Huntress closed her eyes. She was so tired…maybe if she just slept for a bit.

Huntress was so tired, so didn't even notice the freakishly bright green eyes watching her…

---

Well, I'm quite sad to say we're about halfway (or perhaps two-thirds) through the story. In a way, it's sort of relieving- whatever used to provide inspiration for this story has unfortunately packed its bags and hopped on a train to some Far Away Place.

I'm going onto bigger and better things now (or at least I'd like to think so) - mayhap someday I'll redo it. This is probably my first serious (or at least half-serious) fanfic, and it'll always hold a special place in my heart for that reason alone. Plus, it doesn't make me wince (much) every time I reread it:D

**_shadow929-_** Monty Python rox! ;D

**_Sharigan Master-_** Okay, I'll keep those in mind :) Thanks for knocking me out of my slump…even though you probably don't know what I'm talking about. By the way sister, I fully expect you to review this chapter! ;D

**_aspirer-_** Legolas is very hawt, isn't he? I'm not a fangirl myself, but I can see why people go for him :) YOU LIKE THE FOX! YES! You would have to be the first person I've met who also thinks he's outrageously cool! Yeap, metal things called cars **do** sound sort of familiar…can't quite imagine why. :D

**_Anne Woodbury-_** That makes me so happy :) It's great to know people like this- even though I can't understand quite **why**.

**_swordsrock-_** -nods- You know, that IS probably the case :)

**_eternalhope08-_** People REALLY write like that :) Yes, Legolas is a bit of a (very hawt) Gary-Stu, isn't he? Ah well, I still have this (platonic) fascination with him; and elves in general. Peter Pevensie? Yeah, he's outrageously cool- but I don't think he's a Gary-Stu. 'Course Legolas is OOC, that's one of the key points to the story- yeah, Orlando Bloom and J.R.R. Tolkien didn't give him much substance XD Sadly, I'm NOT over-exaggerating- and nothing here is meant to be insulting :) Sure, I'll review your story. (EDIT: Umm…yeah- wrote this a looong time ago. Before I had reviewed your second chapter…)

**_Rauros Falls- _**Monty Python should be considered the best thing ever invented since shrimp and chocolate. End of story :)

**_Elven Dragon Rider-_** Does this count as 'writing more' lol? And I thought your story 'Once Upon A Time' was very good (sounds like the PPC) :) Unfortunately, I am absolutely terrible at reviewing stories I read- which makes me sound like a hypocrite…-sighs-

**_Almenel- _**That's good! I had hoped I didn't sound hypocritical… :)

**_VixenMage- _**You Don't Want To Know how much :)


	10. Much Angsting and Melodramatics!

**Author's Note:** Hello all! As you may recall me saying last chapter, I was going to work on making my author's notes shorter. Well, I might as well start now :)

Oh, and I know there is a lot of swearing this chapter, but c'mon- Huntress has gone through heck, and she was bound to break down sooner or later.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: shadow929, for being the first reviewer for the last chapter and really cheering up my day :)

Dr. Pepper © someone who is not me- I don't even own a can of it.

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story. I'm running out of witty things to say here…would this count?

* * *

**

**_Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!_**

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Ten: Much Angsting and Melodramatics! (But Then Again, That's This Story in a Nutshell…)**

Huntress groaned as she was painfully yanked back into reality. Something was poking her, and it was really getting on her nerves. Obviously, Legolas had decided it was time to go.

"Dam't, go 'way…I w'nah sleeeeeep…"

The poking continued, and Huntress felt a flash of irritation. Couldn't he see that she was tired?

"G'way!"

"We just keep running into each other, don't we?" Huntress's eyes shot open and she sat up quickly- she knew that voice, and it wasn't Legolas.

First thing she noticed was the cold. The breath-taking, slicing cold that cut through her flimsy snow gear easily. Everything was white and swirling, and…stark.

It all came back to her in a rush- she'd fallen off the cliff. Legolas and company were far away from her now, and they probably thought she had perished. And she'd fainted…but then who was in front of her?

Wait…blazingly bright green eyes. Red hair. Black leather in the middle of winter. Flawless skin.

Oh…no.

"Guess who's baack!" Phoenix said in a singsong voice.

---

"We have to find her!"

"Oh really? And how do you propose we do that? Huntress fell down into a seemingly bottomless gorge and presumably skewered herself on a rock! Even if she hadn't, the fall alone would have killed her!"

Legolas and Celeste were currently arguing over whether or not to search for Huntress, while Boromir and Pippin sat by and watched them. Over a day had passed since Huntress had fallen, but yet although the sky had cleared and the storm had passed, the tension was far from gone.

"How long do you think they will take?" Pippin asked, bewildered.

"Your guess is as good as mine." Boromir sighed.

"Legolas, listen to reason! She's dead. Gone. Buried. The Late or Former Huntress. Kicked the bucket. Pushing up daisies (or at least, she would be if this wasn't a frozen wasteland)…she's now an **ex**-Huntress!"

Pippin sighed. "Why didn't the Authoress just make this a Monty Python spoof, instead of dragging us into it?"

"She was too lazy to walk all the way to the library and take out the Monty Python videos for reference." Boromir replied.

Legolas shook his head. "We break the Fourth Wall more times then should be considered healthy…"

---

**We interrupt this story to annoy you and make things generally irritating. Despite the fact that 'We' is merely an 'I' and the above sentence is a blatant rip-off of Monty Python, W- I mean, I have something extremely important to say:**

**This story is pointless.**

**Tomatoes and rotten fruit can be directed at the nearest lawyer. Or that axe-murderer over there, but that is not recommended for health reasons.**

"My arm! He chopped off my arm!"

**I thank you for your time. 'Subtle'? What's that?**

---

"I won't tell you anything."

The 'Sue looked up at Huntress with an amused, patronizing look. "Oh really?"

The teenaged girl gave her a determined look. "You can break my bones, my body and my mind, but I'll never talk."

Phoenix smirked. "Oh really?"

"Just try it."

"Oh really?"

"_Oh really_?" Huntress mimicked in a high, girlish voice. "What are you, some sort of broken record?"

Phoenix placed a can of Dr. Pepper in front of her, and Huntress's eyes widened almost comically.

"SUGAR!" She pounced on it, fiddling with the tab to try and open it as the 'Sue watched smugly.

"If you can't even hold out against a can of soda, I'd hate to see you endure **actual** torture." Phoenix snickered at her glare.

"Shaddup." Huntress murmured.

---

"What is it with me and scene changes?" The authoress wondered out loud to herself.

---

Opening one swollen eye slowly, Huntress surveyed the colourful tent around her with disgust. It was full and stuffed to the brim with colourful eyesores and tacky junk, the likes of which she hadn't seen since she'd cleaned out her grandmother's attic last Christmas.

Huntress felt a pang of homesickness. _I'll probably never see her again- or the rest of my family, for that matter._

It was a sad thing to admit, but in all honesty a ready possibility. Her eyesight went blurry, and for moment Huntress panicked, until she felt a tear fall unto her bound wrists.

_Oh, I'm just crying. That's a relief._

Crying she could handle. After all, she seemed to be doing it a lot lately...

"So, how're you doin' my pet?"

Huntress blinked, looking at the Mary-Sue in confusion. When had she come in?

"Only a few minutes ago, didn't you hear the tent flaps rustle?"

What, she could read minds?

"Nope, you have a nasty habit of speaking your thoughts."

Huntress sighed. "Look, you've had your fun roughing me up, now why don't you just kill me?"

The 'Sue smirked; her 'emereld orbbs' flashing in the dim light. "'Cuz I want info."

Frankly, Huntress was beyond caring. The last few days (or was it a week?) hadn't been very kind to her, and she was pretty ticked off.

"You know where they are, so why don't you just tell me already?" The 'Sue hissed, her demeanour changing from smug to aggressive faster then you could say 'Mary-Sue'. Any evil villain would be proud.

Huntress tensed. Before all this, she had fancied herself as an unshakable person. She could watch gory, R-rated movies without flinching; she could make it through a Legolas/Aragorn/Frodo threesome without even batting an eyelash; she could walk through her sister's room and not even acknowledge the growling, shuddering pile of dirty clothes that had been there for years. But no matter how 'fearless' she had once thought of herself, it seems like it didn't count for anything here. She was scared stiff, and she knew it.

_I'm not going to last long in Moria._

Oh well. She hadn't exactly lived her life to its fullest, but it could be worse. She could die in that inevitable car accident just moments after she got her license.

"Like, are you going to spend the rest of this chapter having an epiphany? Answer me, dammit!"

Something inside her just snapped. She was bloody well **sick** of this! Having to deal without chocolate or proper restrooms, being stuck in another world without television (or even books!) and traipsing across this god-forsaken country with a bunch of people who didn't trust her and would probably be better off without her. Frankly, the only thing that stopped her from breaking down into an all-out sobfest was the fact that **she** would be watching, and Huntress would be dammed before she cried in front of Phoenix.

"Fuck off." Huntress snarled, only to receive a punch in the face. Her head snapped back suddenly, and her neck jerked at an uncomfortable angle.

"I want answers. **Now**."

The games were over. Huntress was walking a thin line, and it was probably only a matter of time before Phoenix grew a brain cell and either killed her or used her as bait. She was trapped, and Huntress knew it. Nobody could save her now, except…

_Legolas…Legolas will help me, won't he?_

He had resisted the 'Sue before, and as far as they knew, he was the only one among them who could again. They weren't close, or even really friends, but he sort of trusted her. Besides, this was the age of chivalry, right? Somehow, she knew he would help her.

He had to.

And so she clung to that hope, even as a strange look crossed the 'Sues face and Huntress was forced to her feet.

---

"HUNTRESS!"

"IT IS NO USE LEGOLAS, WE WOULD BE BETTER OFF TRYING TO SEARCH FOR HER THEN SHOUTING HER NAME AIMLESSLY!"

At Boromir's words, Legolas looked back at the frost-bitten, weather ravaged group. Another blizzard had once again rolled in, and they were back to where they had started.

"WE CAN NOT JUST LEAVE HER!" He shouted back.

"I DO NOT LIKE THIS ANYMORE THEN YOU DO, BUT WE HAVE TO EITHER MOVE ON OR SCALE THE CLIFF! WHICH WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?"

With some trepidation, Legolas looked down at the abyss, barely able to see and hear above the swirling snow and howling wind. No one could survive that fall. And then he made his decision.

Because there are just some things you can't joke about, and death was one of them.

---

And since the beginning author's notes were short, I will now proceed to bore you with extremely long ending notes, which you can ignore if you don't care. Ta.

Okay, first of all- this story will probably not be updated weekly or even biweekly from now on. Exams, tests, weird schedules and other such junk is keeping me from writing. I'll still post, it'll just take anywhere from three weeks to a month to update again after that :) Sorry, schoolwork comes first. Oh well, at least I'm doing well in that- got an A+ in History. ego swells O'course, Math and Art aren't so hot, but I'm working on that.

Yet another thing- I happened to (by some miracle) get more plot bunnies, so this (and TLHI and AFNFI) isn't the last foray I'll be taking into the fanfic community. Of course, there will be the humorish side to them, but I'm aiming for a more 'discreet' type of comedy, since I really need to work on writing that. It'll be a quite bit more serious than this or TLHI though. These are mostly for a few anime-ish fandoms, although I might start an HP fic or two.

Of course, I have three other Narnia fanfics to finish before then, so it may take awhile, but I'll try my best- I'll be writing like mad during the summer, I can assure you lol :)

**_Sharigan Master-_** There are flaws, but thankfully not extremely bad ones :)

**_Almenel-Miriel- _**Green eyes rock. -nods-

**_Amisara- _**Even if you decided to stop reading the story, I'm glad you decided to leave a review :) (Just would like to mention it is being revised now) As I said in my PM (in case you didn't get it), you can use that phrase if you give me credit and mention which story it came from.

**_glwbender90-_** Nice to see you around again! -hands glwbender90 loads of chocolate chip cookies-

**_Elven Dragon Rider-_** Go right ahead! I love people who add me to their C2s, especially if they ask first! ;D

**_shadow929-_** W00t! You reviewed again! I've happy to have gotten another faithful slave- er, reviewer ;D


	11. The Girl Who Knew Too Little

**Author's Note:** This is the shortest author's note I've ever written.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: The Leaky Pen, for the awesome review that I had to reread twice because I liked it so much…which pretty much speaks for itself :)

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story. They all went on to start successful careers as publishers (I'm losing my touch, aren't I?).**

**_Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!_**

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Eleven: The Girl Who Knew Too Little, And The Elf Who Knew Too Much**

_An sshe chaptured Huntyress, noing tht leggy wood kom 4 herr._

"_**Where am I?" Legolas looked straight ahead into the swirling darkness that seemed to surround him. The last thing he could remember was falling asleep after he had finished his watch.**_

'_pwease dunt keel mi!' the mud-hared vitchh sayd. Phoenixx smirked and sad y knot u hav comme btweeen my an leggy._

_**Legolas winced as the words reverberated painfully through his eardrums, covering his ears quickly. "The spelling and grammar leaves much to be desired, even more so then earlier…"**_

_**Out of the corner of his eye, something moved. Instantly an arrow was notched, with the bowstring hooked behind three fingers and pulled back.**_

'_ples hel p mee…'** Legolas lowered his bow, staring in shock at the bloody and beaten Huntress lying before him.**_

'_helpp mi, pleas hellp my…'_

_**In one swift movement, he crouched down to get a better look at her injuries. Burns, gashes and bruises covered her body generously, and her eyes were nearly swollen shut.**_

_**Legolas found himself at a loss for words.**_

'_shee noes…shell stoppat nuthin til hse fines u n' keils me. shes headed 2 Maori- sav mi b4 543 c4n 637 743r3. 743r3 i5n'7 much time b4…b4…'_

**_She closed her eyes, and her breathing grew more laboured and infrequent, alarming Legolas._**

"_**Much time before what! Huntress!"**_

He opened his eyes, only to find swirling snow. Another blizzard and another nightmare- both were unwanted and unneeded.

'_Maori'… could she have possibly meant Moria? Is Huntress still alive?_

"There is a colourfully decorated eyesore only half a mile from here. According to Celeste, she believes it is where Phoenix has settled." Boromir said softly, only a few feet away.

Legolas looked at him. "How does Celeste know this?"

"She went scouting before I awoke." Boromir answered, not missing a beat.

"A foolish decision," Legolas spat. "We would have never found her had she lost her way."

"True, but perhaps the necessity seemed more pressing then the danger in her eyes." Boromir replied.

But Legolas was resolved. "We have already lost one, to do so again would hinder us more."

"You speak as though Huntress was merely misplaced."

"She is still alive. I know it." Legolas insisted.

Boromir shrugged. "Whether or not she survived the fall, you must come to terms with the most likely result."

The elf looked away.

Boromir sighed. "I do not mean to be harsh; I merely speak the truth…"

"How can I accept the truth?" Legolas said softly. There was a long, awkward pause.

"Wow. It's like watching Shakespeare- I can barely understand what they're saying." Celeste's eyes were wide as she watched them both, munching avidly on a bag of popcorn. Apparently, she'd dropped her odd manner of speech for the time being.

"When did you awake?" Boromir replied irritably.

"Just a few minutes ago- at this point, I'm pretty sure more sleep would just make me feel worse." She blinked.

Legolas sighed. Whether or not the Parody-Sue realized it, she had managed to destroy whatever Awkward Tensions Brought On By An Acute Difference Of Opinion_™_ that had formed between him and Boromir.

Pippin uncharacteristically rolled his eyes.

There was a cough.

"What now?" Celeste asked, perplexed. Everyone else shrugged.

"The author has Writer's Block," Legolas replied, as if that answered all the unspoken questions (which, in a way, it did).

Pippin sighed. "This would be the perfect place to cut to Huntress…"

---

Uh…umm…Huntress was…oh hell, I'll just check.

She was…currently being held by Phoenix (which I'm sure you already knew), heading towards our motley band of heroes (which I'm sure you didn't know, and I'm sure Huntress didn't know herself).

"It's times like these that remind me why pie is one of the five food groups." She murmured to herself.

"Shut up!" Phoenix snapped, mad as a hornet. Huntress was pretty sure this had something to do with the earlier explanation of her abilities ('sshes a fyr elelementle, ok? OK!1!'). The cold simply got…colder, although thankfully the never-ending torrent of snow had finally stopped.

"'Tis a night not fit for man nor beast." Huntress said wryly, getting a face full of snow for her troubles (Even though, curiously, the blizzard had stopped long ago…).

"Was that an old black and white movie reference?" Phoenix commented.

The Authoress shrugged sheepishly. "_The Fatal Glass of Beer_, 1933, W.C.Fields." She admitted.

There was a sudden fierce gust of wind, and Huntress vainly tried to shield her face from the biting wind, her joking mood gone.

"Move it!" Phoenix snapped, pushing her forward. Reluctantly, Huntress complied, coughing and close to whimpering from the pain (frostbite is as frostbite does). Right now, ticking the 'Sue off would end up with her six feet under. Not a pretty picture.

Funny, if she'd known she'd have ended up the hostage of a Mary-Sue bent on destroying Middle-earth and wooing Legolas, she'd never have come. Not like she'd had much choice of the matter though…

All she had done that faithful Saturday morning was wake up, drag herself out of bed and downstairs. From what she remembered and guessed, the last stair had been some sort of a portal to her favourite fantasy novel. One minute she was walking along as usual, the next she was tumbling through darkness with words flying past her almost faster then she could read them. And thank goodness she had, otherwise she wouldn't have survived this long.

_Not like I'm going to be around for much longer anyway. Oh well, I put up a good fight, made a sort-of-friend and had a few of my biases chucked out the window. It could've been a lot worse._

"I **said** move it!" She was shoved again and lost her balance, falling face-first into the thick, deep snow. Only a second or two later, she felt someone grab her by the back of her hair and pull her up, which was extremely painful. Huntress screamed and tried to fight back (Just because she knew she was going to die didn't mean she had to simply let it happen), but only got a kick in the ribs for her efforts. Huntresses eventually stopped protesting altogether, save for whimpering softly and massaging her poor scalp.

"Come on, you bitch." Phoenix growled, pushing her ahead. Stumbling for a short bit, Huntress regained her balance and trudged on, wiping away the tears that threatened to fall.

_I've been doing to much crying lately. I always was a bit of a cry-baby…_

"If we're going to make it to Moria by nightfall, you're going to have to speed up." Phoenix snarled. Huntress immediately walked faster, channelling her anger and frustration into every step she took.

_I don't see why I got the short-end of the stick. Why is it always me? Sure, I did set Mom's heirloom rug on fire when I was seven, sure I did accidentally rip the head off my sister's favourite stuffed animal two years ago, sure I did blow up the microwave last summer, but all in all I've never done anything bad enough to warrant this sort of hell. Not all my bad karma combined would make me eligible for this. I bet there are loads of people who would either deserve or love to be here, so why weren't they picked?_

That thought immediately made her feel guilty. _Why sort of a person am I for saying that? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!...Speaking of which, how are we going to end up in Moria before nightfall? From what I remember, it took longer then that to get there…a few days? A week or two? More? I don't know, I can't remember…_

There was that pesky urge to break into tears on the spot. Huntress brushed it aside, but couldn't complete stop the slight prickle of tears, which froze quickly in the breath-taking cold. She rubbed her eyes, trying to clear brush them away as best she could, and stared desperately into the never-ending white.

Then something very strange happened. The desolate landscape seemed to distort, and she found herself rocketing far ahead without even moving or taking a step.

"Keep moving." Phoenix said roughly, and Huntress realized it must be some sort of Mary-Sue magic trick. Shrugging and putting on her patented 'I don't care' look, she continued forward.

---

"Moria?" Pippin frowned. From what (admittedly little) he remembered from the many times they had done this journey, Moria wasn't just a hop, skip and jump away. From what he could see, it was only late evening.

"Indeed, it is Moria." Celeste answered, examining the lake closely.

"But how did we get here so fast?" Legolas questioned.

"I am not certain." Boromir replied, brows furrowed as he searched for the elusive door to the so-called 'mines' of Dwarrowdelf.

"Umm…guys? I think we better hurry it up a little bit. Who knows if the Watcher-in-the-Water will pop up." Celeste said nervously, eyeing the lake.

"You seem to know a fair bit of canon, for a 'Sue." Legolas said suspiciously.

Celeste threw up her hands. "Of course! I'm a Parody-Sue, which means I have to pay attention to detail, even if I don't outright acknowledge it. Otherwise, I'd just be a typical Mary-Sue with a thinly disguised ruse as a humour fic."

"Over here!" Pippin called, having brushed away the dust from part of the _mithril_-inlaid entrance. They set about cleaning the dust and dirt off the rest of the entryway, until it stood before them in all its shining glory.

"I remember the password, and I'm sure at least one of you also does, but should we wait for Phoenix to catch up with us? We could stage an ambush." Celeste pointed out.

Legolas nodded. "We cannot keep running from her forever. I know not for sure what has become of my companions, but I am certain they must still be with her."

"Very well then," Boromir said. "We will wait and bide our time until she comes."

---

Anyway, in case you're curious as to why I took so long, I was attacked and bitten by a dog, had to go through an interview with the police about being attacked in the first place, got **eight** computer viruses within the span of a month or two, had to take a major Science test and complete it in a ridiculous amount of time, had huge Math and Science assignments that took about a week to complete, screwed up when sending said assignment, had more 'crunches' (e.g. datelines for homework), insomnia, which made it impossible to think about anything, computer full-out crashed, went on a vacation, got sick, got sick AGAIN, got sick AGAIN (déjà vu…), one word: exams. Three of 'em, summer vacation happened, I was lazy. Those are all my excuses, in the order of which they happened.

**_Isis3110-_** You reviewed twice! I'm dying of happiness now :) We've all written/thought out 'Sues at one time at our life- in fact, I still feel tempted sometimes. (/deep dark secret)

**_Sharigan Master-_** Longer? Well…maybe…-blatant lie-

**_The Leaky Pen- _**Me? Abandon this story? No way! It was my first real (half-decent) fanfic, and I'm determined to finish it. Plus, I like Huntress too much ;D I try to write her as the average, non-fangirlish (well, non-rabid-fangirlish) LotR geek. I'll be reading your story when it's up (if I get time…). PPC it? I'm afraid I've only PPCed once, and I've not had the time or courage to start another one since :)

**_Almenel-Miriel- _**I hear you- schoolwork keeps me from writing, what with all the tests and things --. Thank God I'm finished school for the summer! Oh, and believe me, save for two subjects I mostly get Bs, so this isn't a common occurrence :)

**_glwbender90-_** -hands her even more cookies, just because she's happy to still have people reviewing-

**_shadow929-_** This is updating, right? ;D MONTY PYTHON 4EVA!1!one!


	12. the Outrageously Dramatic Plot

**Author's Note:** Even shorter.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: Pen52 and glwbender90, the former because their review was really long and chocked full of interesting stuff (), and the latter because she brought up two very good points :)

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story- unless you count forcing them to do my homework and chores as abuse.**

**_Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!_**

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Twelve: The Outrageously Dramatic Part**

_The real world,_

_A week or so before the beginning of the story (at least, in Middle-Earth),_

_8:39 AM_

"Miriam! Breakfast is ready!"

"Inna minute Mom…" The sleepy teenager grumbled, having to forcibly haul herself out of bed.

_I had a dream, I remember…it was something about an elf and…Dr. Pepper? Ah, probably sucked anyways…_

Blearily, she glanced at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red with bags underneath, her nose was runny, her hair was tangled in knots and her throat was scratchy. Not like that was anything new- she generally tended to look the same every morning.

"Come on Hunty, or I'll eat your waffle for you!" Her sister called, running past Huntress's bedroom doorway.

Miriam 'Huntress' Sarah Jones grumbled angrily. Whether it was from the waffle or the nickname…well, the jury's still out on that one.

"Darned morning people…always so cheerful and perfect…strangle…murder…arson…"

Maybe not…

Half asleep, she set about dressing herself in a plain t-shirt and jeans. Her room was rather plain, with the typical things a room had- a bookcase, a bed, a desk, I think you get the idea. The walls were a light yellow (with she hated), and her bedcovers were pink (which she also hated). Thankfully, they were going to redecorate soon.

After she finished dressing, she shuffled off to brush her teeth and hair, and then sort of…slumped down the stairs. Just as she was at the bottom of the stairs, however, her foot sank through the last step and she plunged into inky darkness quickly, silently and without warning.

Her mother peered around the kitchen doorway, curious.

"Honey?"

But Huntress was nowhere to be seen. Shrugging, her mother assumed Huntress was still upstairs and resumed what she had been originally doing.

---

Huntress blinked, finding herself staring at nothing but…well…black. It was like she was floating downwards in water, with her hair standing straight up and her shirt riding up a bit **too** high. Wrestling it down and holding it there, she glanced about her surroundings with a mixture of confusion, anger, fear and inquisitiveness.

"Where am I?"

She supposed she could have fallen asleep on her feet (it had happened before), but her dreams had never seemed this real or…unpredictable.

_Did I die?_

Doing another cursory check, she concluded that no, she was not dead. If she was, wouldn't there be a tunnel of light or something?

She normally wasn't afraid of the dark, but surrounded by all this blackness she was beginning to feel Achluophobic. She was floating in the middle of nothing, and it was beginning to scare her.

_I don't think I'm going to get any breakfast…_

Her stomach protested loudly to that thought.

_Okay…Where am I? How did I get here? When did I get here? What **is** 'here' anyway? So many questions and too few answers…furthermore, what brought me here in the first place?_

It was definitely quite a puzzle.

"I want to get out of here!" She said desperately.

As if to answer her, billons of words suddenly materialized all around Huntress. Startled, she tried to pull back, only to float a few metres away from her previous spot

"_**You...you don't mean...Her?" Sam fidgeted, his eyes darting from side to side nervously.**_

"_**I can't be. It would have taken it days to get out of that wine cellar." Merry argued desperately.**_

Blinking, she squinted. _What the heck?_

"_**It seems like we can never get rid of them." Pippin said softly.**_

"_**Yes. I am afraid so- we are being followed by a Mary-Sue."**_

Her eyes widened. _What's this, some kind of _Lord of the Rings_ fanfic?_

"_**This is no 'mere maiden', but a monster that clothes itself in the form of a beautiful woman. All men who lay eyes on her fall instantly under her treacherous spell." Boromir said softly, and then looked Gimli straight in the eye.**_

"_**Nay, this is a beast. One whose foul magic we cannot defeat."**_

_I'd have to agree with him there, and that's all nice and dandy, but- wait…maybe this **is** a dream?_

_**They prepared for battle. Swords were drawn, bows were strung and axes were held in a Suitably Threatening Manner. The capitals are supposed reinforce this statement.**_

"This is one bizarre dream, if it is a dream…" She said disbelievingly.

_**Legolas dropped his bow.**_

"_**Lad, what are you doing!" Gimli whispered urgently. Slowly, the elf turned to face him...To reveal glowing red eyes.**_

**Phoenix came in2 teh clearing and said hello my name is Phoenix Redleaf, howeth do you doeth.**

_**And then all was lost...**_

_**---**_

_**ZOMG REVU!111!1 PLZ!1!1 OR I WONT RIGHT NYMOOR CHAPPIES I MEEN IT1!1!11!**_

The words faded. And somehow, Huntress knew this was the start of something big.

---

_The real world,_

_More or less present-day,_

_2:22 PM_

Alice 'Crystalfyre' Lawson was pretty much your average thirteen-year-old. Excuse me, let me rephrase that: 'stereotypically average', not average of itself. Her parents were divorced, she lived with her mom, she got mediocre grades and she was an only child that was utterly spoiled rotten. Alice also enjoyed writing fanfiction, preferably ones with extremely talented/attractive/know-it-all original characters.

Oh, come on, you see where I'm going with this.

To be cliché, I'll describe her now. She was (surprisingly) pretty, with platinum-blonde hair and pale blue eyes. And although you would normally call her Sueish, her looks were somewhat balanced out by other flaws, not all of which were physical…And she was slightly overweight, and she had freckles and ache, but I doubt you really care about those facts.

I could be even more cliché, and describe her as a spiteful witch who abused the word 'like' too much and cared about fashion to the point of obsession, but I'll refrain.

Instead, I have something better in mind.

Around the time Huntress was battling for her very life in the midst of a blistering snowfall that would put Everest itself to shame, Alice was lying on her bed and staring up at the cracks on her ceiling. Not exactly the most productive thing to do, but we've all been there at some point in our lives.

"I'm bored." She sighed.

Sure, she could write more of her should-be-award-winning fanfiction 'Fade to Black' and once again slipping into the familiar skin of 'Phoenix Redleaf', but as of lately she was beginning to become bored with the story. Phoenix was absolutely perfect, but not as an interesting character. Distantly, Alice wondered if she'd inadvertently created a monster.

A rather quiet person by nature, Alice had set out to write what she perceived as an interesting OC- the exact opposite of herself. Somewhere along the way (or, perhaps, from the very beginning), she'd lost the point of the whole thing. Sure, she did have a crush on Orlando Bloom, but did that really mean she could create a love interest for Legolas?

She sighed again. _I wish I could just do what I want with my writing, but that doesn't seem to work very well…_

All she really wanted was to create a good story. Well, in between those strange crashes her computer had...

"Alice! It's time for your walk! Get out of those pajamas, and go out for a change!"

"It's a free country!" Alice snapped. Flaw number one: sarcasm was her forte, which was probably because she used it so often.

"Yeah, but this is my home, and we obey rules here!"

She rolled her eyes and made an exasperated sound. "Mom, its summer and I can do what I want!"

"You better get out there soon, or I'll kick you out!"

Huffing angrily, Alice got up and closed the curtains, then searched through her closet. Finding a red t-shirt and some denim shorts, she hurriedly put them on. When she was finished, she ran down the stairs, put on her shoes and was out the door.

Or rather, before she put on her shoes, Alice opened the door and was swallowed by darkness.

"Close the door behind you!" Her mother called. The slam of the screen door was her only reply.

---

Legolas narrowed his eyes, a determined look on his face.

"It's her, isn't it?" Pippin whispered. They couldn't see her yet, but elven ears were especially keen. Legolas had held the same expression for a while before, but Pippin himself could here the distant sound of hooves (The 'Sue had obviously 'magicked' a horse on the spot).

"Five or so yards off" Legolas replied softly. "I would venture to guess that she will come around that corner-"He gestured in the general direction. "-right about…now."

As if timed, Phoenix came into view riding on a handsome golden stallion. Then another horse (tied to a halter rope to keep it from wandering off) came into view behind it, and there was a sharp intake of breath as they saw the figure slumped over the too-beautiful white mare.

"Is that…Huntress?" Celeste asked hoarsely.

"It appears so." Boromir said grimly.

Legolas grit his teeth, but wisely bided his time until the horse was in range.

"I know you are there." Phoenix said simply, shocking the group. "Come out where I can see you, for I will not hesitate to hurt the girl."

"Legolas…"Huntress rasped, before being kicked in the ribs by the 'Sue. The teenage girl gasped in pain.

Slowly, they moved from their hiding place.

"Now that that's settled," Phoenix looked them straight in the eye. "I propose a trade: I will hand over the girl in exchange for Legolas."

---

Oooh; plot twist. Wonder how they'll sort it out.

I sort of got the idea for the 'strangle…murder…arson' joke from somewhere else, so I can't claim much credit for it '

I got a brainstorm, so this story might go on for more then sixteen chapters- 'might' being the key word, of course.

**_Sharigan Master-_** Longer? Well…maybe…-lying-

**_Zelscar- _**Numbers and writing should rarely be mixed, I agree ;D

**_glwbender90-_** Yeah, they are, aren't they? Basically, the reason Huntress is becoming more likable is because (in between the obvious stress, pain and exhaustion) she's discovering her hidden qualities and maturing. This girl who has spent her whole life in (comparative) luxury, so when she is forced to do things for herself that could literally mean the difference between the life of herself and others, it really has an effect on her. You might notice her becoming more polite and helpful in the next few chapters, because she realizes that she can't take things for granted. There's also another key part of her development coming up, but I won't spoil it ;)

Phoenix, on the other hand, is having her proverbial bubble popped- she went into this with an idealistic view that she'd ensnare Legolas and they'd live happily ever after, but instead she has to think up a strategy to get him away from Huntress. Needless to say, she isn't pleased :)

**_Pen52- _**I'm sure there is fanfiction that resembles the Badfic in here- I've seen it O.o Yeah, constructive critism does wonders! If I hadn't had my healthy dose, I would still be writing Badfic (-the horror-). Long reviews are awesome! People who leave long, clear-cut constructively critical reviews show that they really love a story. Sorry for the dental appointment, maybe I should put a 'do not read if you have any urgent appointments/matters to attend to' warning? ;) Yeah, that paragraph basically sums up (what I think) a Mary-Sue parody should be :) I'm glad you liked it, because I intend to stick with it 'till the end, no matter what.

**_NoNaMeJoNeS-_** Thankies :)


	13. An Unexpected Revelation

**Author's Note:** Chapter 13? That makes me feel superstitious…

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: Gosh darn it, everybody! You guys rock, don't ever forget that!

_Protectors of the Plot Continuum _and all related **non-original** (as in, not made by myself) subjects © Jay and Acacia, the wonderful geniuses they are.

Rael and Evona, however, © Me. So don't take them, because they're all I've got!

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story. I'm getting really tired of trying to think up something clever for this.**

**_Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!_**

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Thirteen: An Unexpected Revelation That May Complicate Things**

The first thing Alice noticed was that it was very dark. And by dark, I mean it was utterly pitch black.

Not fun. Especially since when she'd last looked it had been a bright, beautiful sunny day complete with fluffy clouds, blue skies and various other similar things.

"Oh my God!" She said, stumbling backward and falling on her posterior. Of course, this only made the reality of the situation sink in deeper when she realized she was sitting on a cold stone floor instead of her wooden porch.

Doing a very good imitation of a fish, she opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, at a loss of words. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she started shivering (whether from cold, fear or both was something even she didn't know).

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Alice screamed, the normally reserved fanwriter becoming agitated with the world's inability to cope with logic and reality.

Taking a deep, but shaky breath, Alice tried her best to collect herself. Alright, so she was…somewhere, for some reason. Did she hit her head on the door or something?

Feverishly, she felt the back of her head. No bleeding, no bruise…it was safe to say that this was not a hallucination. So then what was it?

---

Legolas was at a loss for words. He viewed Huntress as a friend, perhaps even a close friend, but to trade his life for her? It was not the concept of the offer that gave him pause, but the future that could come out of it.

"Is there any other way?" He asked trying desperately to think of another solution.

"Why?" Phoenix held on to Huntress tightly, though the look in her eyes seemed far-off and unreadable. She seemed not to have heard him.

"Why is it that no matter how much I try, you can't see how much I love you?" Phoenix continued, half to herself. "Why do you value some insignificant little plain girl? Do you love her instead?"

There was a short pause, during which Phoenix grabbed a pocket-knife from one of the saddlebags on the nearby horses. She flicked it open, light dancing across the clean, sharp metal.

"If you do not make your decision soon, I will be forced to get rid of her."

Pippin glanced nervously at Legolas, surprised to see a very strange but intense expression on his face.

"No."

The 'Sue paused. "What?"

"I do not love her. However, she is a good friend, and I will not stand by helplessly as you threaten her." His tone was steady.

Phoenix just stared at him, appearing shell-shocked. Taking advantage of her distraction, Huntress elbowed the 'Sue in the stomach while simultaneously knocking the hand holding the dagger out of her way. Without a moments thought, the teenage girl made a break for it.

With a snarl, Phoenix came out of her daze and tried to grab Huntress, only managed to slice a good-sized portion of the teenage girl's back. Huntress yelped in pain, but managed to throw herself far out of the Sue's reach with the last of her energy. Boromir and Legolas were immediately at her side, helping her up.

"Are you unharmed?" Boromir asked.

Huntress gave him a look. "No."

"I'll be back, you'll see!" Phoenix screeched. Then she jumped onto her horse and rode off for all she worth.

---

A few minutes later, Huntress was sitting by herself by the side of the murky lake. Legolas, Celeste and the others had been very keen to learn what exactly had gone on during her absence, but she was just too tired to talk.

_I'm sick of everything. Mary-Sues, fanfiction, fighting for my life…even _Lord of the Rings_. Good God, how much longer is this going to go on? Will I ever get back home?_

Sighing, she rested her head on her knees and wrapped her arms around them tightly. All she wanted to do was stare at the lake and think until she felt angsted out.

"Would you mind if I joined you, Huntress?"

Looking up blearily, she found herself looking at Legolas. "Sure, go right ahead." He sat down next to her.

"What happened to your previous attire?" He pointed at her clothes, which had indeed changed. She was now wearing a Mary-Sueish like blue dress, leather boots, arm braces and a breastplate, the latter three being made of black leather.

She laughed bitterly. "Oh this? Phoenix destroyed my clothes when she…" Huntress paused, reluctant to go on. "…when she tortured me. This was all I could find that was half-decent looking."

His eyes were wide. "She tortured-"

"Yeah, she did!" Huntress snapped. "And don't call me Huntress anymore, my name's Miriam Jones, you got that? Or do I have to use smaller words, you pointy-eared pretty boy?"

Legolas just stared at her. Before Miriam had even realized it, tears started streaming down her face, until she was on her knees sobbing for all she was worth.

"I could've stopped her! God, I could've run away! But I was so scared…so scared it made me shake and my legs go weak…she came close to killing me! She would beat me until I was black and blue, then heal me and start all over again! I HATE THIS PLACE, WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO COME HERE?!"

"Shh…it is over…" Legolas replied softly, trying his best to calm her down.

"I could've stopped her…I could've run…" She choked.

"Hun- Miriam, there are some things that are beyond your control."

"But I…I…"

"No more, it is passed and you are safe." Legolas replied firmly.

"I want to go home." She said brokenly.

"So do I." Miriam looked into his face, and understood. How could she constantly be so selfish? Here she was, tagging along with them, eating their food and slowing them down and what had she done to help? How was she any different from the Mary-Sues?

"I'm sorry."

"There is no need for apologies." He smiled.

Miriam bit her lip. "No, I really-"

"Huntress! Legolas! You won't believe what we found!" Pippin yelled. Turning around curiously, Huntress realized the missing members of the fellowship were standing right behind her. Gandalf, Gimli, Frodo, Merry and Sam; they were all there, looking no worse for their imprisonment.

"But…how?" She questioned. Legolas looked equally as shocked.

"It was fleeting, but her power wavered and we were able to escape her grasp." Gandalf explained, giving Miriam a pointed look. "I suspect your earlier confrontation was responsible."

"Then…things are as they should be?" Ventured Boromir.

"No," Answered Aragorn. "She still possesses power beyond what the dark lord could hope for. Phoenix will surely slay us all if we do not stop her."

Huntress bit her lip again. "So…we have to-"

"Slay her as quickly as we can." Finished Gimli; leaning on his axe.

Legolas sighed. "Let us hope we are not too late."

---

"They want to fight? All right, I'll give them a fight…"

Erth watched from her paper-strewn desk with an almost puzzled look on his face as Phoenix paced the length of her…umm…abode.

"Think can get the best of me, can they? Well, they'll see soon enough!"

Swiping Erth off and ignoring his indignant squeak, she glared at one single map as if she could burn a hole in it with just her gaze.

"I'll show them." She hissed. "That damn girl and her bloody tagalong Celeste. I have the advantage; I know where they are going, but they don't have an idea when or where I will strike next!"

Picking up a nearby dagger, she stuck it firmly over 'Moria'.

"And this time…they won't know what hit them."

---

Alice was really starting to panic. Not only had things not returned to the way things should be, but she also realized that she had no clue what to do next.

"Oh shit…oh shit…oh shitshitshitshit…"

There was a rustling sound, and she jumped. Gradually, a warm orange light became visible, steadily growing stronger as whoever possessed it moved closer. Frantically, she tried to find a place to hide (which is very difficult when you can't see a thing), and her searching hands finally found a large pillar. Darting behind it, she strained her ears in the hopes of discovering anything she could about where she was.

"…Bloody 'Sues…Upstairs **always** has to catch me in the middle of a nap, don't they? Hope this one goes by quickly, I'm still tired after the mission…"

"Do not complain so much Evona, I am sure that once we manage to find her the battle should pass by quickly enough…"

"That's what you always say, you bloody elf!"

Peering around the corner, Alice saw a young teenage girl with short brown hair and blue eyes, and an elf with long brown haired and blue eyes also. Both wear dressed in black and sporting bows, though the elf had a long trailing black cloak.

The girl -Evona- rolled her eyes. "Honestly Rael, you need to show fear once and a while."

Rael blinked. "Why? We will most likely kill the Mary-Sue quite easily, provided you remember your archery lessons."

"Yeah, yeah…" Evona groaned.

_Who are these people and what are they talking about?_ Alice wondered, pulling back when the came dangerously close to her hiding place.

"Wow, sure is dramatic." Evona commented, gesturing to the enormous cavern that was Moria.

"Do you even know where exactly we are going?" Rael asked wryly.

"Not a clue. I'm guessing they'll pass by this way though. We can wait for them." Evona said, shrugging and sitting down on a spontaneously appearing piece of rubble. Rael sighed and sat down next to her.

_Guess that means I'll also have to wait._ Alice sighed, and sat down where she was.

---

I know this sucks- I had the hardest time getting past the writer's block. But I did. So please don't kill me for taking so long, and help me get to one hundred reviews? -hopeful-

**_The Leaky Pen- _**You know, I never even noticed that! Methinks I'm going to have to go over that chapter again :( What I really need is a beta, but finding one is absolute heck…

**_Atateriel!- _**Sorry it took so long, but I can assure you that I'm doing my best to work out some schedule or other (after all, it can be rather irritating to wait a month per chapter!). Actually, I put that in not because I don't have tons of ideas for this story, but because I thought people would like clarity on how she knew all the details of the story when she met Legolas (I we also admit that I did try to make the chapter longer…I have sinned! -cries- In trying to do that, I sacrificed the quality:( ) . Hold back on the 'I's? Gotcha. I'll do my best :)

**_sparrowhawkgirl- _**I'm glad you like it! I try to put my all into this story :) You liked the scenery description when Celeste first showed up? I'll be sure to keep that up if I can -takes note-

**_GuinRiza-_** Thank you sis!

**_glwbender90-_** Learning a lesson? Of course not! ;D Alice is familiar? Hmm…-is a bit slow on the uptake-

**_aspirer-_** I know, I'm awesome aren't I? (Yes, that was a joke- I'm not that arrogant!) I try my best :)

**_Zelscar- _**But it makes the story interesting!...Plus, they're sinfully fun to write. D


	14. Back From The Future

**Author's Note:** Hi y'all. I know my last chapter was ages ago and many of you haven't been waited for new chapters with baited breath (I could tell by the review count ;D), but I'm planning to finish this story for sure. In fact, it's actually going to wrap up soon- probably in less than five chapters. If I said all this before, I'm sorry. Yes, I know the chapter title sucks.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: Everyone!

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story- it's all those damn touchy-feely Suethor's fault!**

**_Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!_**

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Fourteen: Back From The Future**

She was still a bit freaked out. How could she not be, after finding herself in…somewhere she wasn't supposed to be? However, Alice was the sort of person who made the best of any situation, a trait that had served her well in the past and would continue to do so.

This is why, even though the strangers were clothed in black and touting bows and arrow-filled quivers, she decided to take her chances. After all, she was starting to feel hungry, and it was obvious that unless she took some sort of action soon she would never get out of the strange cave (hall…thing?). Alice had always preferred action anyway. When faced with the possibilities of being stuck full of arrows, getting out of this place or playing safe and sitting around on her butt waiting for them to leave, she generally picked the solution she could gain more from. Alice was fairly intelligent, but tended to lack common sense; and patience.

"Hey, you!" She shouted, stepping out from the shadows dramatically. This seemingly intimidating act was rudely interrupted however when she tripped on a rock and fell flat on her face.

Rael and Evona just stared.

Sputtering and hastily rising to her feet, she kicked the rock away vehemently and glared at them as if they were the cause of her distress; which, in a way, was true.

"…Is this the 'Sue?" Rael asked, puzzled.

"Nah," Evona yawned, resuming fletching her arrows. "She's too flat-chested."

Alice sputtered incoherently for a few moments, and then finally snapped "No I'm not!"

Evona looked thoughtful. "Well, she's in denial. That's a Mary-Sue trait."

Alice growled, her non-existent patience wearing thin. "Look, I just want to know the way out of this crazed funhouse."

Evona raised an eyebrow. "You're lost? In the mines of _Moira_ of all places? Good God, you're thicker than I thought…"

"Shut up!" Alice snarled. "I knew I should've bloody well kept to myself…"

"Don't you have a map or something?" Rael suggested. "Surely if you came here you must have at least an idea of where you are?"

Alice sighed, trying to reign in her temper and act rationally. "All I know is that One minute I was going out for a stroll, and the next I'm in some Dugeons and Dragons rip-off. So if you don't mind, I'll just…what's with you?"

Evona and Rael were staring at her like she'd just grown an extra head. Cocking her head and raising an eyebrow, she looked behind herself. Nope, no bloodthirsty monster ready to tear out her throat.

"Huh…and of all the places I'd be most likely to run into that cliché." She mused thoughtfully. Turning back, she discovered that Evona and Rael's expression had not changed the slightest. She frowned.

"Alright, I get it. What sort of faux pas or ignorant blunder did I commit?"

Evona shook her head, snapping out of it. "Well…I guess we found our 'Sue."

Rael looked disappointed. "Are you sure? She doesn't seem that bad…and I was hoping for a bit more of a challenge."

Alice gave them a peeved look. "What the _hell_ are you talking about?"

Evona strung her bow and notched and arrow. Alice blinked, surprised at how quickly the teenaged girl had an arrow pointed straight between her eyes.

"Umm…pardon me, but why do you look so familiar?"

Evona froze and her eyes widened, the familiar voice stopping her from shooting the arrow.

"Umm…Evona?" Rael asked nervously. "Why are there two of you?"

---

Miriam was not amused.

"Alright, let me get this straight…because the stupid squid-thing destroyed the entrance, we have to travel through an abandoned tomb full of Orcs, Cave trolls and dead things?"

Legolas gave her a stern look. "If you would rather try to dig our way out while praying the 'stupid squid-thing' has gone back into the lake, be my guest."

Miriam bit her lip, inwardly berating herself for making herself look like such an ass. Here she was, a tagalong who didn't contribute anything at all to the group, and she decided to act like a complete bitch to the only person who fully trusted her. Oh yeah, smooth.

"I'm sorry Legolas, I just…bad things will happen if we go forward."

He smiled wryly. "I suppose you 'just know' that?"

Miriam gave him a look.

Legolas laughed. "Alright, I should have known better then to doubt the great 'Huntress'."

Miriam sighed. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"

"…Well, you have to admit, it was pretty arrogant of you."

She rolled her eyes. "I know, I was a bit wet behind the ears before, but now I'm better! Honestly, I know I'm no warrior, but at least I'm not a complete newbie. "

Legolas averted his eyes, suddenly serious. "There are many things you won't be prepared for. I can't promise to protect you from them; I know not what sort of dangers we will face, or how great they will be."

Miriam looked away, fighting the urge to tell him everything. She'd already told him more then he should know; it wouldn't do any good to tell him everything. Her gaze drifted to the rest of the fellowship ahead of them, specifically lingering on Boromir. Could she prevent his death? The thought had occurred to her before, but at that moment she truly realized how much she could change for the better.

_I can't…I shouldn't. I've already caused enough damage; more then I can ever compensate them for. All I can do now is move ahead and hope I'll get back home._

"Miriam?"

Miriam blinked, snapping out of her daze and turning to Legolas. "Yes?"

"I'll try my best to protect you."

The teenager smiled, her eyes brimming tears. Why did he want to help her of all people? She wasn't anyone special –heck, she wasn't even that nice a person– so why on earth did he become such a good friend? Why was he always there when she needed him, even though she could never truly help him in return? All these questions and more clambered to be answered, but yet she couldn't put them into words.

"Thank you."

Legolas was surprised at the strange tone in her voice, and turned to ask what was bothering her. The words died immediately in his throat, however, when he realized that she was crying.

"Are you alright?" He asked softly.

"It's just…no one has ever…ever said anything like that to me." She choked, furiously rubbing away her tears. "Oh, dammit…now I'm crying again."

He smiled sadly. "There is no shame in crying. Be grateful you can express your grief, because holding back your emotions is never wise."

"Yeah, I guess you're…" Her voice trailed off. The rest of the fellowship had stopped.

"You're lost? In the mines of _Moira_ of all places? Good God, you're thicker than I thought…"

Legolas's brow furrowed thoughtfully as the voice echoed around the empty halls. "Do you hear that?"

"Yeah…" She frowned. "…it sounded like…me."

The fellowship listened for a few more moments. It appeared that there were at least three people ahead, one of which sounded (and from the back, at least, appeared to look) eerily similar to Miriam.

"Curious…" Gandalf murmured.

"Very curious…" Celeste added, having suddenly decided to assure the readers that she hadn't disappeared into thin air.

Miriam raised her voice to grab their attention. "Umm…pardon me, but why do you look so familiar?"

The voices stopped. The Miriam-look-alike turned around, her expression stricken. Miriam herself was struck dumb; the girl looked so exactly like her, it was almost scary.

The Miriam-look-alike suddenly sighed, and facepalmed. "Dear God, they didn't give me…?"

The elf checked a strange device on his arm. "Yes, it appears so."

Miriam blinked. "Umm…excuse me?"

The Miriam-look-alike started, and then averted her eyes. "Your name is Miriam Sarah Jones, right?

Miriam hesitated for a moment. "Yes…how do you know that? Why do you look exactly like me?"

The look-alike sighed. "I know a lot more then just that- I'm you. Or rather, the _future_ you."

---

"So, you're a PPC agent?"

"Yeap; my new nickname's Evona, and I've researched Badfic and canon extensively ever since…well…I got stuck in this story."

Miriam shook her head. "I'm sorry, this is just insane. I mean, I became a PPC agent? How old are you now anyways?"

"Well, upstairs didn't have a choice on that one. They could've wiped my…err…our memories, but they'll recruit anyone nowadays…" Evona grinned. "Oh, and I'm sixteen years old. I've been PPCing for about two or three years now."

The two…err…past and future selves of Miriam Jones were currently talking amongst themselves, after Evona and Rael had explained the situation properly to the fellowship. Thankfully, Miriam had told Evona exactly who the 'Sue was before the PPCer had done something she might've regretted later on.

"So…" Evona said. "Now that you know basically everything you need to know about me, mind telling me about yourself? I remember pretty much everything, but it's been a few years, so the details may be a bit fuzzy."

Miriam shrugged. "Well, we're trying to hunt down a 'Sue called 'Phoenix rEdleaf'. Not much else to it. But hey, it doesn't matter much, does it? I mean, you obviously defeated her, so-"

"Eh…about that…" Evona said sheepishly. "I never ran into my future self when I defeated her the first time around."

Miriam blinked. "…Oh; that could complicate things."

---

Having opted to leave Evona and Miriam alone to catch up, Legolas was currently gazing around the mines and trying to find something to occupy his attention. As if on cue, he noticed Rael staring at him out of the corner of his eye with something akin to…awe?

Giving him an uncertain look, Legolas turned to face him. Rael immediately looked away.

"Don't worry about him!" Evona called, apparently having noticed. "He's just a bit nervous around his own kind!"

Legolas blinked. Rael did his best to avoid his gaze.

"Umm...Legolas, sir?"

He blinked again. "Yes?"

The other teenage girl, Alice, hesitated. She'd been trying to work up the courage to catch his attention for so long, she'd almost completely forgotten why she'd wanted to in the first place.

"Umm…I was…I was wondering…Miriam said something about an elven 'Sue with green eyes and red hair, wearing black leather. Was her name…was her name Phoenix Redleaf?"

Legolas narrowed his eyes. "Yes. How did you-"

"I…I sort of created her."

There was absolute dead silence.

"You **what**?!" He sputtered

Alice winced. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean…I never thought…"

Legolas was shocked, barely able to process her words. All the pain he'd gone through, all because a teenage girl had decided she wanted write a Mary-Sue that fell in love with him. It was too much.

"…Can you forgive me?"

There was a pause.

"No. No, I can't."

Alice looked away sadly. "I thought that's what you'd say."

---

So, I'm sixteen now. Yay. It's funny to think this story took me a year to write…

**_Kalisona-_** I would say 'I'm glad you like that', but I say that too much lol ;) Thanks for reviewing, it's always a great boost to my ego when people do! (not like I need it…XD)

**_Inconspicuous Acuity-_** If I spelt your name wrong…it's because I suck :) Thank you for the compliments, you have no idea how nice it is to read reviews like yours after a hard day.

**_The Leaky Pen- _**-sniff- I know, I just can't find one anywhere! What makes it even more difficult is that I don't just stick to one fandom; I go all over the place.

**_Gollum's Fish-_** Problem is, I love well-done OCs (as if you didn't know that already lol), and that might discourage people from writing them. We should have some sort of squad going around and deleting Badfic though…we need it! Aw, you're too kind :) I'm actually a really sucky writer normally, but to know that I brought joy to someone makes my day! I try to review every story I read, but…well, I forget ' I sent you a PM about that, which should answer you questions.

**_Zelscar- _**Numbers and writing should rarely be mixed, I agree ;D


	15. Boring, Sappy Stuff You Should Skip

**Author's Note:** Hello. I've been waiting to write this chapter up for a long time- perhaps too long. Aw, heck, who am I kidding- I still love this story, and I'm going to miss it. No, this is not the last chapter. Yes, I know the chapter title sucks- but it's the truth!

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: musicmode, for getting me out of my rut.

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story- it's all those damn touchy-feely Suethor's fault!**

**_Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!_**

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Fifteen: Boring, Sappy Stuff You Should Skip**

Of course, she should have known things wouldn't have ended up with a 'happily ever after' label slapped on it, but that didn't make Alice any less disappointed.

It seemed things were even more complicated then she'd first thought. But after a long chat with a person who identified herself as 'Celeste the Parody-Sue', Alice had a much clearer, less biased view of the whole thing. But with that knowledge came guilt; an almost overwhelming amount. In a way, **she** was completely responsible for everything. If it hadn't been for her, Miriam would be back home, Legolas and the rest of the fellowship would be saving Middle-earth, Evona (no, Miriam) and Rael would be killing 'Sues and Celeste would be…well, doing whatever she had done before. Even Alice would be back home, dutifully typing away at something or other.

But the fact was they weren't. For whatever reason, they'd all found themselves in the same boat, with the same objective in mind. It was strange, how so many completely different people from completely different backgrounds could end up together.

Alice sighed, gazing at each of her companions in turn. She had volunteered for first watch, along with Miriam, who was currently surveying the other side of their makeshift 'camp'. Though they had not offered friendship or forgiveness, they had allowed her to stay with them, which was far more then she would have possibly done in their position.

_I'll make it up to them, or find some way to right these wrongs. I have too._

"Hey, chewing the fat?"

Alice blinked, looking up at Miriam. "Uh…yeah."

Surprisingly, over the last few days or so, Miriam and Alice had grown close. Perhaps it was the similarity of their situations, or perhaps it was just because they had a lot in common, but whatever the reason Alice was glad to have a friend.

"Thinking about her?" Miriam asked suddenly, sitting down next to her.

Alice averted her eyes. "Yeah, I was."

Miriam sighed, uncertain as to how she should go about cheering up the blonde teenager. The last few days had been tough, especially so for Alice. Then she suddenly realized something.

"I wonder where the CAFs and Erth went…"

"CAFs? Erth?"

"Yeah, the ones I made a bargain with and Erth the Mini-Balrog? Gimli's also missing, and has been since Phoenix first brainwashed the fellowship."

Alice sighed. "I don't know. It's such a big mess, and I wish I'd known before-"

"Alice, you've got to stop beating yourself up." Miriam said curtly. Alice startled, giving Miriam a questioning look.

"I've faced her once, I've faced her a thousand times, and I just barely squeaked through thanks to Legolas and a hell of an amount of luck. Despite that, I don't resent you, so you shouldn't either."

Alice smiled bitterly, turning away and gazing into the flickering flames of the fire before her. "Legolas doesn't think so."

"Forget Legolas. Every time I think I suffered, he suffered ten times as much- he suffered before I even came unto the playing field."

Alice snorted, turning away. "If you want to make me feel guilty, that's a sure-fire way of doing it."

Miriam gave her a look. "You don't even believe what you're saying, so why try to fool me?"

To Miriam's surprise, Alice's voice came out hoarse and rough. "Legolas was…I d-don't even l-love him or a-anything…I thought-t I did, but…" She shuddered, trying to reign in her emotions.

"…I admire him." She managed to choke out.

Miriam smiled sadly. "Yeah, so do I..."

"And yet h-he hates me…"

"Maybe he'll forgive you, or maybe he won't. The only thing you can do is to try and right things." Miriam said firmly.

Alice sniffed, embarrassed. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean t-to…break down."

"It's okay." Miriam replied, comforting. "You know, a friend of mine once told me 'There is no shame in crying. Be grateful you can express your grief, because holding back your emotions is never wise'. I think there's a lot of truth in that, and that it's healthier to let things out."

"…Thanks."

"Anytime; that's what friends are for, right?"

Alice was about to reply, when they heard the sound of a pebble sliding across the smooth marble floor. Miriam narrowed her eyes, searching carefully for glowing green eyes or a flash of red hair.

"Stay down." Inclining her head slightly, Miriam realized that Celeste was still awake.

"Is it…her?" The brunette teenager asked.

Celeste nodded. "Yeap; Phoenix Redleaf has finally arrived."

---

Legolas awoke to the sound of hushed voices, realizing at once that something strange was happening.

"What is it?" He asked Miriam.

"Finally, you are awake." Boromir said amusedly.

Miriam's jaw was set firmly, a determined look on her face. "Phoney herself…"

He jolted. "You mean…?"

"Yeap,"

Legolas grit his teeth, looking into the inky darkness warily. "How did it happen?"

Boromir also glanced at the shadows with unease. "I am not sure; I woke after Miriam, Alice and Celeste had already risen."

This was not good news; there was a half-crazed homicidal 'Sue only a stone's throw away, and yet not even he could see her. Resignedly, he shook Pippin slightly; he had a funny feeling none of them would be sleeping very well tonight.

"Wake up, Pippin- The 'Sue has returned."

"Mmm…" The hobbit murmured sleepily, making sure to firmly wrap himself in his bedcovers.

Legolas sighed. "Come on, Pippin." He shook him harder, which seemed to do the trick.

"Hmm? What…Legolas?" Pippin yawned, gradually starting to wake up. "Why did you wake me up?

"Phoenix Redleaf has returned." Legolas said. No more words were needed, and Pippin suddenly stiffened, wide awake.

"You mean…?"

"Yes."

"That can't be good…"

"No, it can not." Legolas agreed. They were immediately spared any further discourse when there was a sudden, sharp crack.

"…What was that?" Evona asked sleepily, having just woken up.

"Oh no…" Miriam said; her eyes wide as she realized exactly what had caused the strange sound. Wordlessly, she pointed up; in the fading glow of the fire, a large gaping fracture was visible on the ceiling.

No sooner had they realized this, when the whole roof collapsed.

---

Miriam groaned, wincing as her ribs protested to the small sound. She felt as though someone had run her over with a truck; which wasn't that far off, considering. The teenage girl was lucky to be alive- in fact…she would almost say she wasn't buried under a pile of rocks…

With this new thought in mind, Miriam attempted to stand up. After falling back down again, she was amazed to realize that she indeed was not being crushed to death. Well, she wasn't exactly a hundred percent at the moment, but that news still cheered her greatly.

Which, of course, brought her back to where she had started…where did all the rocks go?

Cautiously, she opened an eye slightly, greeted by the sight of two black leather boots. Confused, Miriam all out blinked, her eyes gradually traveling up from the leather boots to the too-perfectly sculpted legs…until they finally came to rest on the 'Sue's stern face.

Miriam smiled weakly, her stomach doing a back-flip. "Uh…lovely weather we're having, isn't it?"

Silent and- Miriam realized with apprehension- not ranting about how Miriam would meet her death for her 'fling' with Legolas, the 'Sue grabbed Miriam and hoisted her over her shoulder. How was anyone's guess, considering the armour Miriam had swiped only a short time ago.

Her mouth dry, Miriam nevertheless managed to croak "Why?"

The 'Sue smiled to herself. "You should know by now the coincidences almost always favour me. Right, Legolas?"

Miriam realized with a jolt that the elf was standing mere metres away, his now green eyes stony as he jerkily nodded.

"Legolas…?"

Phoenix's smiled widened slightly. "You do know that he's not yours anymore? Now, he's mine; and I'm afraid I don't share very well."

Miriam could feel tears coming to her eyes, which she feebly tried to hold back. "C'mon Legolas, snap out of it!"

In one swift motion, Phoenix thrust Miriam in front of Legolas, her smile becoming a smirk. "Now, Legolas, who is this?"

Miriam waited breathlessly. However corny it sounded, however much it sounded like a bad romance novel, she hoped beyond hope that for at least one moment of her life things would go as they should, and Legolas would shake off Phoenix's control as he had before.

"I don't know."

---

"Alright, up you go." Evona said, managing to pull Pippin out from beneath a disconcertingly large rock. She was beginning to suspect Hobbits were like good luck charms- the boulder had luckily been held up by another, saving his life.

"Is he out yet?" Rael managed, his arms straining from holding the boulder up. Honestly, of all the rocks Pippin would have to get caught under, **why** would it have to the biggest one of the entire rock fall?

"Oh, sorry," Evona rubbed the back of her neck, grinning sheepishly. "You can put it back down now."

He did so, the huge boulder hitting the floor with a loud thump. Dusting his hands off, he remarked "Well, everyone present and accounted for?"

"Well, I don't know about everybody else, but I am." Alice replied, rubbing her forehead. Getting clonked on the head with a stone the size of a tennis ball was not fun.

"So am I." added Boromir, helping Celeste climb down some particularly steep boulder. Celeste didn't say anything, having been clonked on the head with an even bigger rock then Alice's and currently dazed.

"I am surprised we all survived that." Rael commented, before his brow creased thoughtfully. "In fact, we shouldn't have…how did we stay alive?"

"Plothole," Pippin replied, pointedly the offending black swirling vortex. No one seemed keen to protest this, for obvious reasons.

Alice blinked. "Hey, where did Miriam and Legolas go?"

Evona frowned. "That's curious…are they still buried?"

"No, I've checked under every boulder." Rael responded.

"Then…where are they…?"

---

No ending notes, for once. The reviews make up for it, though :)

**_musicmode-_** The story is certainly not over! I just…got abducted by aliens! Yeah! That's it- complete truth, I swear! ;D

**_sparrowhawkgirl-_** Good question. I'd like to know myself…to be honest, Alice was spawned out of the idea that 'well, if this is a universe where RL collides with fiction, what about RL mixed with _fan_fiction'?

**_Fireword-_** Hi sis! Yeah, I know- I wouldn't have been as forgiving :)

**_aliveinchrist13-_** To be honest, Pippin and Faramir are only a hair's breath away from usurping Boromir in terms of favourites for me :) Boromir's not evil, just weird. lol, just kidding; he's misunderstood!

**_The Leaky Pen-_** Thankies for the birthday wishes, and yeah, there is a lot going on. Question is: how will it pan out?

**_Inconspicuous Acuity-_** I try my best :) after all, if everything was extremely serious all the time, nothing really interesting would ever happen ;D I think way too many people look at their writing and say 'i pwn alll uder riters!' and think they rock. Me, I look at and think 'Well, not bad…but not Shakespeare either. Oh well, as long as both me and the readers have fun'. I'm just weird that way :) And about the beta…I try, but no luck so far!

**_Zelscar- _**Yeah, I'd do the same. I guess since he's an elven warrior used to holding back his temper, he can control himself lol.

**_Hippie Jade-_** Again, glad you like it ;D

**_MBDTA-_** Glad you like it :)


	16. Canonical Catfight Pt 2

**Author's Note:** This is the last chapter to rule them all…I'll miss this story!! TT

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: Everyone!

**NOTE:**

**No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story- although rest assured, they will be afterward :)**

_**Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!**_

_**Or TUM(P)**_

**Chapter Sixteen: Canonical Catfight Pt. 2 – The Fist of Disclosure**

"You knew I'd win all the time."

Miriam could only shake her head listlessly, her eyes dull and focused on the growing pool of blood before her. The smug, satisfied tone of the 'Sue was far away, and the teenaged girl simply allowed the words to flow over her; trying vainly to hold back tears.

"Why did you bother to tell yourself otherwise? I'm perfect, flawless, and can kick your sorry, scrawny ass any time I feel like it. I'll **always** triumph in the end. It's just the way the world works."

The teenage girl hesitantly looked up at Legolas. He towered over her (though there was nothing new in that), and was giving her the most terrifyingly angry expression she'd ever seen.

"Legolas…" She croaked, wincing at the harsh, guttural sound. Her throat was coated in dust, as was the rest of her. Her clothes were ripped in several places, but at that moment she didn't care.

"You are an enemy of Phoenix. I do not know you, and nothing would please me more than to see you dead." He said in a monotone.

Phoenix beamed. "Good, good. Now, Legolas, would you mind disposing of her for me? I'm afraid I broke a nail." She gazed sadly at her hands, obviously more concerned about her manicure then finishing Miriam off.

"My pleasure." He replied, notching an arrow onto his bow and pointing it at a frightened and crying Miriam.

"Legolas, please, don't! I know I'm a worthless tagalong, but you're my friend! I don't want to die, I-"

"Shut up, bitch." Phoenix snarled, giving Miriam a good kick in the ribs. She curled up into a ball, whimpering in pain and giving one last pleading look to her former friend. His expression was blank and his mind was obviously made up, as he pointed the arrow straight at her forehead.

"So passes Miriam, a silly girl who couldn't save herself or her friends." Phoenix said mockingly, giving Legolas an approving look. He tensed, and let go of the string.

"**Now** Gimli!"

Miriam barely had time to register the arrow embedding itself in the ground near her hand, having missed her face by no less than an inch. Because at that very moment, there was a mighty shout-

"**Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd ai-mênu!**"

-and Phoenix had a large throwing axe buried deep in her back. She cried out in pain, stumbling back and tripping on a nearby rock, landing on her side. The dwarf was on her in moments, pinning her down and holding his battle axe against her throat and pinning her down. Miriam could only stare in bemusement and horror, wondering distantly if she had missed something.

"She's…you…" The blood and the axe buried in Phoenix's back became too much, and she nearly threw up at the smell and the sight of it. She felt a comforting hand on her back, and looked up to find a smiling green-eyed Legolas looking down on her.

"I am very sorry for the pain and sorrow I put you through. I had no choice, for I feared you might not have been as convincing otherwise."

Miriam recoiled at his touch and stared at him fearfully, wondering if this was part of some ploy of Phoenix's to make her suffer even more before he killed her. Legolas blinked, looking confused and hurt by her reaction.

"It's the eyes, lad." Gimli said gruffly. "She still thinks you are under the influence of this witch." He pressed his axe against Phoenix's throat, drawing blood. Phoenix cried out in pain again, but he was stone-faced.

Legolas laughed slightly, and Miriam watched as he carefully taking off the green contacts he wore and showed them to her. She slumped against a nearby rock in relief, sighing mightily as the pieces finally fell together.

"So…it was a trap."

He nodded and smiled. "Yes, and it worked."

She inhaled shakily, trying to find her voice. This was almost too much to process at once, but she had an important question she needed to ask. "S-so, where did you get the contacts from anyway?"

"Me, I'm afraid." Miriam looked over to find herself looking at an apologetic Evona, who had emerged from behind a nearby boulder.

Miriam blinked. "You?"

"Me as well." Said Rael, who was now crouching next to Phoenix and examining her, along with Celeste and Alice. "It was a sound plan, really. Gimli is usually the one the 'Sues ignore, and therefore they don't quite manage to develop an immunity to him. Legolas was the only one beside him who could get close enough to trick her, and you're obviously very important to him, so our course of action was obvious."

"But you didn't even have the decency to tell me?" She choked, trying to swallow past a large, uncomfortable lump that had developed in her throat.

"You get over it eventually," Evona assured her, "And both of us know how badly you scored in Drama. You wouldn't have been able to pull it off if you'd known."

"But that doesn't matter right now." Rael interrupted. "What matters is you now have a way to go home."

Miriam gave him a miserable look. "Don't joke about things like that."

"Who's joking?" He said, pointing towards what looked like a strange, bright hovering tear in the grim stone surroundings of Moria. Miriam was speechless; first the first time on this hellish journey, she could **go home**. But also for the first time, she found herself reluctant. She felt someone give her a gentle push forward.

"Go." Whispered a familiar voice in her ear. She turned around, tears streaming down her face as she looked at the elf responsible for the adventure. His face was blurry, although somehow Miriam got the strangest impression it wasn't just because of the tears that obscured her vision.

"I'll miss you. Y-you were…one of t-the best friends I ever had."

He smiled. "Le hannon."

She had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. "…W-what does that mean?"

"It means 'thank you' in Sindarin, or so I've heard." Evona said gentlely, pulling Miriam away. "Middle-earth is changing back to what it once was. You'll essentially die if you linger, so you and Alice had better get into that portal. In a few minutes, Legolas and the rest of the fellowship won't be able to remember or understand you anyways."

"They'll be alright? The 'Sue won't change anything?" Miriam asked, concerned.

"Yeap, they'll be just fine. They'll just end up back where they were before the story started." Evona replied, grinning. "Now, we should really-"

"W-wait!" She pulled her hand out of Evona's grip, and gave a startled Legolas one last hug.

"Le hannon yourself, and don't let anymore 'Sues keep you from finishing your quest." He gave her an affectionate look, and hugged her back, mumbling something she couldn't understand.

She looked at Evona beseechingly, and was disappointed when the older version of herself shrugged. "He's speaking Westron now. I don't know any of that."

Legolas watched the exchange between the two of them, and seemed to catch on. Carefully making sure to speak slowly and clearly, he said "Ná Elbereth veria le, Miri-um."

"I think he said 'may Elbereth protect you'. Elbereth is one of the Valar, the gods of Middle-earth. Essentially, he's saying-"

"I know what he's saying, and I know who Elbereth is." Miriam replied firmly, reluctantly letting go of Legolas and walking towards the portal. The temptation to look back was almost unbearable, and she finally getting in, smiling when she saw a different looking Legolas glancing around the mine in confusion.

"Goodbye, Middle-earth." She said wistfully. "I hope I see you soon."

"Well, I don't know about Middle-earth," Alice said, making Miriam jump. "But I do know we can stay in touch. Do you have a piece of paper on you?"

And so they quickly exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. Evona fussed the entire time, bodily pushing them towards the portal when they were done.

"Rael and I will take care of things here. You girls probably won't remember a thing, at least for a long time. See you in the future!"

And then everything went white.

---

Legolas picked up his bow and hoisted his quiver of his shoulder, moving as quickly as he could in the leather armour he was wearing. The scouts had reported sighting a band of orcs on the edge of Mirkwood, and he knew they would probably need help chasing them away from their borders.

Then he suddenly stopped, halfway out the door from his home. It was late at night; the cool summer breeze rustled through the trees and grass, while the moon shone brilliantly above. Everything was quiet and peaceful, but Legolas could not help but feel panicked. He had forgotten something; something very important…

"Legolas, man carel le? Tolo!" (Legolas, what are you doing? Come!) shouted a fellow comrade of his, riding past on his swift-footed steed into the forest.

Shaking his head, Legolas pushed it out of his mind; he had more important things to worry about now. He would contemplate it later.

---

Miriam stood at the bottom of the stairs, dazed and a bit confused. What had she been doing? Why?

He mother came out of the kitchen, looking exasperated. "Miriam, for the last time, your- oh, you're up. That's good, I was beginning to get worried." Miriam hadn't even had time to open her mouth before she was gone, off to wash the dishes.

Amazed, she walked over and sat down at the table, eating ravenously. She couldn't remember ever being this hungry. Still, an elusive something teased the edge of her mind, leaving her to wonder if she had just had some sort of intense dream.

She felt something sharp poke her from inside one of her pant pockets. Pulling it out, she realized it was an old library slip with an email address and a phone number on it.

_How strange…_

Later on after breakfast, she dialled the number. It was ridiculous, really; she never remembered writing it down, yet it was obviously her writing. Still, she felt she had to check it out.

"_Hello, this is the Lawson residence. How may I help you?"_

"Uh…hi. Do I know you?

**THE END**

---

No ending notes, for once. Except the elvish was stolen and bastardized from this site (just remove the spaces):

http:// www. arwen-undomiel .com/ elvish/ phrases .html

And just ignore the fact that the 'fellow comrade' of his probably wouldn't be speaking Sindarin ;D BTW, I've got a section set up for this story at my website! Here's the link:

http//www. freewebs. com/ stormtracer/ tump. htm

_**musicmode-**_ The story is certainly not over! I just…got abducted by aliens! Yeah! That's it- complete truth, I swear! ;D

_**sparrowhawkgirl-**_ Good question. I'd like to know myself…to be honest, Alice was spawned out of the idea that 'well, if this is a universe where RL collides with fiction, what about RL mixed with _fan_fiction'?

_**Fireword-**_ Hi sis! Yeah, I know- I wouldn't have been as forgiving :)

_**aliveinchrist13-**_ To be honest, Pippin and Faramir are only a hair's breath away from usurping Boromir in terms of favourites for me :) Boromir's not evil, just weird. lol, just kidding; he's misunderstood!

_**The Leaky Pen-**_ Thankies for the birthday wishes, and yeah, there is a lot going on. Question is: how will it pan out?

_**Inconspicuous Acuity-**_ I try my best :) after all, if everything was extremely serious all the time, nothing really interesting would ever happen ;D I think way too many people look at their writing and say 'i pwn alll uder riters!' and think they rock. Me, I look at and think 'Well, not bad…but not Shakespeare either. Oh well, as long as both me and the readers have fun'. I'm just weird that way :) And about the beta…I try, but no luck so far!

_**Zelscar- **_Yeah, I'd do the same. I guess since he's an elven warrior used to holding back his temper, he can control himself lol.

_**Hippie Jade-**_ Again, glad you like it ;D

_**MBDTA-**_ Glad you like it :)


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